Yesterday was a 'different day' where I turned to crisps. I know why which is something and I sat and thought about it realising it was silly. So it remains just that 'a different day'. I still found and had positives and I'm back in the zone again today.
In fact I woke at 6am and couldn't get back to sleep, so rested for a while then got up and did my TTapp :) I am back to TTapp and walking as they work for me and I enjoy both. Better to do an exercise I enjoy and will keep up with than push myself to do something that I won't.
I love the fact TTapp is low impact but works every muscle so I ordered the 50 min step up to the max dvd last night and then I have 3. I still struggle with the Basic Workout. Its only 15 mins and the reviews are amazing but I've not mastered it so thats my challenge to slowly and steadily a weeny bit at a time do just that. I'll do my other one and just do one move until I work it out and then move on to the next. I know it works so its worth persevering with :)
I've also started using coconut oil for some of my cooking and love it. I did roasted veg this week in it and the smell and taste was divine and I didn't think once cooked you could taste the coconut at all. I read up on some of its wonderful reviews and decided to try it. I am also giving Carla a tsp a day as it really does seem really good.
I have ditched the scales again as realise that was a big part of my 'different day' I know they are not kind to me so its kind of fruitless using them as a measure of my success. Clothes and how I feel are a far better measure as I have proved many times so its time to stop stepping on them 'just to see' as when I 'see' I feel a failure and I know I'm not a failure I've achieved so much this year and yep still have a long way to go but as I always say to others its not a race its a lifestyle change.
I am looking forward to what this year brings in my podding journey. :)
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Thursday, 8 November 2012
two days, I'm on a roll! and the story of a chocoholic! or should I say 'was a chocoholic'!
Another good day. I did have 4 chocolates last night and 3 marshmallows but reminded myself thats allowed as I fancied them and not on a diet and the rest of the box are still there :) so in my mind this is an amazing step forward and shows I am not overriding the pods anymore! woohoo! Jackie really is back!
Funnily enough reading what Becca just put about hunger not being an emergency showed me a few things
a) I wasn't hungry and knew that I wasn't
b) I felt I was overriding the pods on purpose
c) I can do this!
So day 3 is already underway. I've listened to my pods already and feeling calm, confident and positive again :)
I really feel I can do this. I just need to stop and think each time I go towards that crisp draw or give in to the lure of chocolate calling me from the kitchen or the shop. I went through a terrible phase of overriding Trevor's voice in my ear 'you don't need it' 'you are not hungry' it was like the child in me 'so what! I'll have it anyway! what you gonna do about it!' I could almost see me being rebelious, hands on hips, snotty voice, just as I perhaps did as a child. The thing is I'm not that child anymore I'm an adult and all I actually achieved was to put on weight!
I had a conversation last week that threw up the fact in a nut shell I didn't like to disappoint people, or would feel people would be disappointed in me. A failure. No good, useless. But the big word was 'disappointment'. This conversation made me realise what was happening what was going on in my head and it was actually really silly. I have really felt I've left that Jackie behind finally and can now move on and continue my journey. Goodness me its been a journey so far but I don't regret any of it. Look what I've achieved, look what I've changed :) Even now back in some tight size 18's I'm a different Jackie. Old Jackie would be a size 26/28 again squeezed into a size 20! She'd have given up ages ago but this Jackie dusts herself down and picks herself up and works out each thing thrown at me. Doesn't dust it under the carpet she deals with it, disects it, works it out and moves on. :) I rather like the new Jackie.
New Jackie just had a skype conversation. (eek) whats the big deal you ask? wow alot of a deal. a) seeing me, b) new technology c) that fear of being a disappointment.
I thought about this on the way to take Charlie to school. Old Jackie would have cancelled yesterday. She'd have pulled out one of her excuses. I was pretty good at excuses actually as used them all the time. New Jackie took a deep breath and did it :) she had no intention at any point of pulling out, of taking the easy way out, she planned all along to go ahead with it as it was part of moving on, part of her journey. I am proud of new Jackie today. Would she do it again? Yes she would :)
This post brought up a far bigger story. The story of a chocoholic. A secret eater. Anyone else done it? Does it? Is it , was it just me?
I'd buy chocolate. Chocolate was my drug. Upset, tired, fed up, stressed = stuff it all down with chocolate. Had to be Cadburys (I swear their sales have gone down alot recently ! hehehehehe) jackie the chocolate monster! She ate loads. I'd go in the shop buy loads, muttering that they were for the kids to put away in the larder incase they wanted them. (rollseyes) I even felt guilty buying it, as I knew what I was going to do.
I'd buy 3 for a £1 etc. I'd buy them if they weren't 3 for a £1 too of course! but I'd buy 6 and eat them all. Twirls, crunchies, large 200g bars, etc etc. I ate them. Did I feel sick? Sometimes but then i'd have a coffee and carry on. Did I share it, heck no! You hide it in your desk drawer under the envelopes and sneek out there later 'to work' don't you? as thats what I did.
I'd hide the wrappers in my drawer too. I'd then screw them up in paper or old envelopes to put them in the bin. So that nobody knew what I was doing.
If I bought chocolates or was given chocolates I ate them all and then hid the boxes flat packed in jiffy bags until the recycling man came :( I'd then put them out when nobody knew. :( Easter was the worst. I only ever bought Cadburys eggs (I wonder why) I'd buy loads on offer, and eat my way through them while kids at school and hubby at work. I'd then flat pack the boxes, cut up the plasticy packaging into weeny bits and dispose of that, keeping the flat packed boxes for the recycling man and putting them out , again when nobody else was about to see :(
This Easter I didn't touch an egg. I wasn't interested. I never had any flat packed boxes! In fact other than the last 3 weeks where I overrid Trevor I've hardly touched chocolate. In fact I'd have it once a month as it tended to be something I'd do when hormonal. Thats fine. Skinny people do that too!
Only earlier this week I was looking for some warm pjs as the weather has turned. Hidden under the pjs were a couple of flat packed easter egg boxes (blushes) from year before last at a guess! It really did make me giggle I put them out for recycling smiling away to myself.
In fact while overrding the pods I did the same with some smaller chocolates and the packaging is hidden in my drawer. Jackie the chocolate monster returned for a few days, but shes gone again now as I can now see the sad but funny side in it. Last night having just 4 chocolates proved she'd gone. I'd have eaten the box in the past, working out what was originally in there if any had been eaten already, replacing the box before anyone came home and ensuring I'd eaten the ones that had already been eaten if you get what I mean! I may have done this several time with just one box of chocolates! eek! Day before yesterday that opened box was untouched by me. I simply didn't want one (eek) yesterday I slowly savoured 4, but that was enough, I didn't need anymore and I've not had to flatpack or replace that box of chocolates once and we got them at the weekend :) in the past I guess we'd have been on at least the second replaced box by now afterall its Thursday today and the choccie monster would have been by now!
So today I shall clear out any old wrappers from my drawer. Thats in the past and shall look forward to the future as I am no longer a chocoholic. No longer a choccie monster. I can do chocolate in moderation and in fact can go several weeks without it now.
Does the chocolate pod work? I'd say it does :D
I used to do the same with biscuits too. Eat a whole packet and hide the evidence. :( I really had issues with secret eating and hiding the evidence. When it rearerd its head for those few days I really didn't like it. It made me sit and think about why I was doing it?
Funnily enough reading what Becca just put about hunger not being an emergency showed me a few things
a) I wasn't hungry and knew that I wasn't
b) I felt I was overriding the pods on purpose
c) I can do this!
So day 3 is already underway. I've listened to my pods already and feeling calm, confident and positive again :)
I really feel I can do this. I just need to stop and think each time I go towards that crisp draw or give in to the lure of chocolate calling me from the kitchen or the shop. I went through a terrible phase of overriding Trevor's voice in my ear 'you don't need it' 'you are not hungry' it was like the child in me 'so what! I'll have it anyway! what you gonna do about it!' I could almost see me being rebelious, hands on hips, snotty voice, just as I perhaps did as a child. The thing is I'm not that child anymore I'm an adult and all I actually achieved was to put on weight!
I had a conversation last week that threw up the fact in a nut shell I didn't like to disappoint people, or would feel people would be disappointed in me. A failure. No good, useless. But the big word was 'disappointment'. This conversation made me realise what was happening what was going on in my head and it was actually really silly. I have really felt I've left that Jackie behind finally and can now move on and continue my journey. Goodness me its been a journey so far but I don't regret any of it. Look what I've achieved, look what I've changed :) Even now back in some tight size 18's I'm a different Jackie. Old Jackie would be a size 26/28 again squeezed into a size 20! She'd have given up ages ago but this Jackie dusts herself down and picks herself up and works out each thing thrown at me. Doesn't dust it under the carpet she deals with it, disects it, works it out and moves on. :) I rather like the new Jackie.
New Jackie just had a skype conversation. (eek) whats the big deal you ask? wow alot of a deal. a) seeing me, b) new technology c) that fear of being a disappointment.
I thought about this on the way to take Charlie to school. Old Jackie would have cancelled yesterday. She'd have pulled out one of her excuses. I was pretty good at excuses actually as used them all the time. New Jackie took a deep breath and did it :) she had no intention at any point of pulling out, of taking the easy way out, she planned all along to go ahead with it as it was part of moving on, part of her journey. I am proud of new Jackie today. Would she do it again? Yes she would :)
This post brought up a far bigger story. The story of a chocoholic. A secret eater. Anyone else done it? Does it? Is it , was it just me?
I'd buy chocolate. Chocolate was my drug. Upset, tired, fed up, stressed = stuff it all down with chocolate. Had to be Cadburys (I swear their sales have gone down alot recently ! hehehehehe) jackie the chocolate monster! She ate loads. I'd go in the shop buy loads, muttering that they were for the kids to put away in the larder incase they wanted them. (rollseyes) I even felt guilty buying it, as I knew what I was going to do.
I'd buy 3 for a £1 etc. I'd buy them if they weren't 3 for a £1 too of course! but I'd buy 6 and eat them all. Twirls, crunchies, large 200g bars, etc etc. I ate them. Did I feel sick? Sometimes but then i'd have a coffee and carry on. Did I share it, heck no! You hide it in your desk drawer under the envelopes and sneek out there later 'to work' don't you? as thats what I did.
I'd hide the wrappers in my drawer too. I'd then screw them up in paper or old envelopes to put them in the bin. So that nobody knew what I was doing.
If I bought chocolates or was given chocolates I ate them all and then hid the boxes flat packed in jiffy bags until the recycling man came :( I'd then put them out when nobody knew. :( Easter was the worst. I only ever bought Cadburys eggs (I wonder why) I'd buy loads on offer, and eat my way through them while kids at school and hubby at work. I'd then flat pack the boxes, cut up the plasticy packaging into weeny bits and dispose of that, keeping the flat packed boxes for the recycling man and putting them out , again when nobody else was about to see :(
This Easter I didn't touch an egg. I wasn't interested. I never had any flat packed boxes! In fact other than the last 3 weeks where I overrid Trevor I've hardly touched chocolate. In fact I'd have it once a month as it tended to be something I'd do when hormonal. Thats fine. Skinny people do that too!
Only earlier this week I was looking for some warm pjs as the weather has turned. Hidden under the pjs were a couple of flat packed easter egg boxes (blushes) from year before last at a guess! It really did make me giggle I put them out for recycling smiling away to myself.
In fact while overrding the pods I did the same with some smaller chocolates and the packaging is hidden in my drawer. Jackie the chocolate monster returned for a few days, but shes gone again now as I can now see the sad but funny side in it. Last night having just 4 chocolates proved she'd gone. I'd have eaten the box in the past, working out what was originally in there if any had been eaten already, replacing the box before anyone came home and ensuring I'd eaten the ones that had already been eaten if you get what I mean! I may have done this several time with just one box of chocolates! eek! Day before yesterday that opened box was untouched by me. I simply didn't want one (eek) yesterday I slowly savoured 4, but that was enough, I didn't need anymore and I've not had to flatpack or replace that box of chocolates once and we got them at the weekend :) in the past I guess we'd have been on at least the second replaced box by now afterall its Thursday today and the choccie monster would have been by now!
So today I shall clear out any old wrappers from my drawer. Thats in the past and shall look forward to the future as I am no longer a chocoholic. No longer a choccie monster. I can do chocolate in moderation and in fact can go several weeks without it now.
Does the chocolate pod work? I'd say it does :D
I used to do the same with biscuits too. Eat a whole packet and hide the evidence. :( I really had issues with secret eating and hiding the evidence. When it rearerd its head for those few days I really didn't like it. It made me sit and think about why I was doing it?
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
One day completed!
Yesterday went well!
I used my power shower and chillpod a few times throughout the day and it made all the difference, I realised just how powerful they are :) I hadn't been listening to them everyday as 'too busy' but I am going to now as I am convinced they really helped me yesterday. In fact I've listened to both already today :)
I ate sensibly and stopped when full hearing the full signal and enjoying my food. I chose healthy foods without a thought. The others had lasagne for tea and I chose chicken, fresh green beans and potato (eek) I chose to eat healthy without even thinking about it :) I really enjoyed my food yesterday too.
I refused choccies and cake, and avoided crisps without a thought. No stress = sensible eating and didn't override the pods! woohoo!
I feel so much better already.
I went for two walks yesterday too. One was for about 45 mins and the other about 40 so not too bad considering can't leave Chris for too long at the moment.
Today I planned two walks but school want to ring and a parcel being delivered so I'll take Charlie to school and do two miles TTapp as I find that so good for my back and my posture :) Its the simplest TTapp dvd but its always worked well for me !
Jackie is back!
I used my power shower and chillpod a few times throughout the day and it made all the difference, I realised just how powerful they are :) I hadn't been listening to them everyday as 'too busy' but I am going to now as I am convinced they really helped me yesterday. In fact I've listened to both already today :)
I ate sensibly and stopped when full hearing the full signal and enjoying my food. I chose healthy foods without a thought. The others had lasagne for tea and I chose chicken, fresh green beans and potato (eek) I chose to eat healthy without even thinking about it :) I really enjoyed my food yesterday too.
I refused choccies and cake, and avoided crisps without a thought. No stress = sensible eating and didn't override the pods! woohoo!
I feel so much better already.
I went for two walks yesterday too. One was for about 45 mins and the other about 40 so not too bad considering can't leave Chris for too long at the moment.
Today I planned two walks but school want to ring and a parcel being delivered so I'll take Charlie to school and do two miles TTapp as I find that so good for my back and my posture :) Its the simplest TTapp dvd but its always worked well for me !
Jackie is back!
Monday, 5 November 2012
still struggling
I am still struggling but have a plan of action now.
I am going to use my powershower pod more and chillpod and see if that helps me.
I am beginning to exercise again even though I feel rather round and sluggish as deep down I know this is key for me and helps me to refocus.
I may have to adjust my goals slightly but thats fine as this isn't a race its a lifestyle change.
I am going to try to use the swish technique today instead of just reaching for the crisps or chocolate.
I think the chocolate is hormone related so i'm not as bothered about that as I know it will pass.
Yesterday I walked Carla for 35 mins (not far I know but can't leave Chris for any long length of time) and I did 2 miles TTapp. So its a good start.
So I just need to do as I say I will. Practice what I preach! Can I do it? Yes I can !
Well its 4pm and so far so good. Today the chillpod and powershower have got me through my iffy time :) I've been for two walks today as well :) woohoo! hope this is a sign of having turned the corner.!
I am going to use my powershower pod more and chillpod and see if that helps me.
I am beginning to exercise again even though I feel rather round and sluggish as deep down I know this is key for me and helps me to refocus.
I may have to adjust my goals slightly but thats fine as this isn't a race its a lifestyle change.
I am going to try to use the swish technique today instead of just reaching for the crisps or chocolate.
I think the chocolate is hormone related so i'm not as bothered about that as I know it will pass.
Yesterday I walked Carla for 35 mins (not far I know but can't leave Chris for any long length of time) and I did 2 miles TTapp. So its a good start.
So I just need to do as I say I will. Practice what I preach! Can I do it? Yes I can !
Well its 4pm and so far so good. Today the chillpod and powershower have got me through my iffy time :) I've been for two walks today as well :) woohoo! hope this is a sign of having turned the corner.!
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Refocus, set those goals, find those positives
Okay so I've been quiet for a while. I had a huge blip. Been feeling like a failure if I'm honest. I no longer felt in control and just seemed to totally override all the hard work the pods were doing. I was rebelling I guess. My rebellious stage has cost me as I've gained 11lb. I felt so gutted and upset, but its done isn't it? I can't change the fact its done but I can change it and get back into this :) I feel deflated and need to somehow refocus. I post a positive post it results in self sabotage I set a goal - I self sabotage or rebel. I just need to take it a day at a time with no pressure. Its the only way it works for me but somehow I am struggling to get back in the zone.
I have found a few things happen on this journey so I am guessing I really do still have emotional eating issues as if the going gets tough - I eat. When this happens I tend to override the full signal and just keep going. :(
The last couple of weeks I've felt more focused again though, still listening to my pods daily, finding my positives daily I just need to pod on with no pressure. I think with my wedding anniversary looming and still a size 18 I began to feel a failure. But thinking about it I've achieved so much in this last year of slimpoddding, in fact I believe its a year ago today since I started listening. I've faced many fears, dealt with so much and have a far more healthy relationship with food. I haven't binged since before xmas. Yes I've overeaten but not binged. Theres a huge difference. I also used to graze all day, constantly wondering what I could have to eat, stuffing my face with chocolate at the slightest chance. 95% of the time I just eat when I am hungry. I have the odd picky day but food isn't the first thing I think about. In fact today is testament to that. Its now 1.15 pm and I'm only just having some toast and peanut butter. I simply haven't felt hungry until now and haven't needed any food (eek) I have felt more in control again and its down to 'no diet head'. Diet head seems to rear its head every few weeks and cause havoc. Then it goes again and I feel so calm, positive and in control its fab. If my mind is occupied food is now furthest from my mind.
I'm not getting as much exercise as my son broke his leg badly and is home and in a full leg plaster. I am finding it hard to adjust to it all so I'm setting myself a mini challenge to at least take Carla once a day for a minimum of 30 mins while he is still home as this is long term as at least 5.5 more weeks at home.
I need to look back and see that although I haven't lost tonnes of weight, although I've had a fair few blips this one being the worst, I have still achieved alot. I have still lost alot of inches, I now like exercise when I can find time, I have a far better relationship with food, I have regained alot of my confidence, I am calmer, happier, I am more positive whereas in the past I was terribly negative, so many changes.
So I am going back to basics today. I am sitting here listening to my slimpod as I type this as been struggling to listen properly due to so much going on and so tired or being interrupted I am going to write down my positives (I've been doing this every day anyway) and need some goals as I've failed at them :( this hurts but I am going to move on from this and set some new ones.
My new goals
1) To be in my size 16 jeans for xmas day - my 18's are mega tight again
2) To be in size 14 jeans end March
3) To do 30 mins exercise each day even if its just walking Carla
So how will I reach my first goal
1) I will listen to my slimpod, fitpod and choccie pod daily
2) I will do 30 mins exercise a day
3) I will eat mindfully at each meal listening for the full signal
4) I will drink more water
I am not sure if my first goal is realistic or not as its only 8 weeks and I've a long way to go but we will see. I wish self sabotage would go away. I hate it. It drags me down constantly. Maybe its simply years of dieting and failing that make me this way?
I have found a few things happen on this journey so I am guessing I really do still have emotional eating issues as if the going gets tough - I eat. When this happens I tend to override the full signal and just keep going. :(
The last couple of weeks I've felt more focused again though, still listening to my pods daily, finding my positives daily I just need to pod on with no pressure. I think with my wedding anniversary looming and still a size 18 I began to feel a failure. But thinking about it I've achieved so much in this last year of slimpoddding, in fact I believe its a year ago today since I started listening. I've faced many fears, dealt with so much and have a far more healthy relationship with food. I haven't binged since before xmas. Yes I've overeaten but not binged. Theres a huge difference. I also used to graze all day, constantly wondering what I could have to eat, stuffing my face with chocolate at the slightest chance. 95% of the time I just eat when I am hungry. I have the odd picky day but food isn't the first thing I think about. In fact today is testament to that. Its now 1.15 pm and I'm only just having some toast and peanut butter. I simply haven't felt hungry until now and haven't needed any food (eek) I have felt more in control again and its down to 'no diet head'. Diet head seems to rear its head every few weeks and cause havoc. Then it goes again and I feel so calm, positive and in control its fab. If my mind is occupied food is now furthest from my mind.
I'm not getting as much exercise as my son broke his leg badly and is home and in a full leg plaster. I am finding it hard to adjust to it all so I'm setting myself a mini challenge to at least take Carla once a day for a minimum of 30 mins while he is still home as this is long term as at least 5.5 more weeks at home.
I need to look back and see that although I haven't lost tonnes of weight, although I've had a fair few blips this one being the worst, I have still achieved alot. I have still lost alot of inches, I now like exercise when I can find time, I have a far better relationship with food, I have regained alot of my confidence, I am calmer, happier, I am more positive whereas in the past I was terribly negative, so many changes.
So I am going back to basics today. I am sitting here listening to my slimpod as I type this as been struggling to listen properly due to so much going on and so tired or being interrupted I am going to write down my positives (I've been doing this every day anyway) and need some goals as I've failed at them :( this hurts but I am going to move on from this and set some new ones.
My new goals
1) To be in my size 16 jeans for xmas day - my 18's are mega tight again
2) To be in size 14 jeans end March
3) To do 30 mins exercise each day even if its just walking Carla
So how will I reach my first goal
1) I will listen to my slimpod, fitpod and choccie pod daily
2) I will do 30 mins exercise a day
3) I will eat mindfully at each meal listening for the full signal
4) I will drink more water
I am not sure if my first goal is realistic or not as its only 8 weeks and I've a long way to go but we will see. I wish self sabotage would go away. I hate it. It drags me down constantly. Maybe its simply years of dieting and failing that make me this way?
Friday, 5 October 2012
mini challenges and new foods
I had a mini challenge last week to do 3 lots of 15 mins on the treadmill jogging for one minute and building up to one and a half minutes. I did it! I managed
When I got the treadmill last year I struggled to walk on it for more than 5 mins at 3.00 :-)
So my challenge this week is to do 4 lots of 20 mins jogging for 2.5 mins
I also decided to try at least one new food a week. Last week I tried
ricotta cheese
French toast
Quinoa
I loved all three of them. I had the ricotta with a piece of french toast, strawberries, blueberries and bananna, drizzled with a weeny bit of runny honey
The quinoa I simmered in a stock cube with sundried tomatoes and served with left over homemade chilli and a side salad
Unsure what I will try yet this week but will definitely try and least one new food.
Had a good week overall. I am terribly bloated this week which is horrid as everything is tight on me but I'm podding on and through it as it will go. I've upped my water and green tea intake to see if that helps at all.
I've had some lovely meals this week and have really enjoyed my food.
I did let the bloating get to me on one of the days. I felt huge and my jeans were so tight I had to take them off and wear stretchy trousers. I allowed that to influence my day and ate all the wrong foods, but I realise thats not the way forward and picked myself up dusted myself down and continued being positive :)
Sunday – 15 mins at 4.5 managed to jog at 6.00 for 50
seconds
Tuesday – 15 mins 4.5 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 1.5
mins (as 60 + 30 secs)
Thursday – 20 mins 4.2 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 2 mins
15 secs (as 30 + 30 + 30 + 45 secs)
Friday – 15 mins at 4.2 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 2
mins and 10 secs (30 + 30 + 30 + 40 secs)
When I got the treadmill last year I struggled to walk on it for more than 5 mins at 3.00 :-)
So my challenge this week is to do 4 lots of 20 mins jogging for 2.5 mins
I also decided to try at least one new food a week. Last week I tried
ricotta cheese
French toast
Quinoa
I loved all three of them. I had the ricotta with a piece of french toast, strawberries, blueberries and bananna, drizzled with a weeny bit of runny honey
The quinoa I simmered in a stock cube with sundried tomatoes and served with left over homemade chilli and a side salad
Unsure what I will try yet this week but will definitely try and least one new food.
Had a good week overall. I am terribly bloated this week which is horrid as everything is tight on me but I'm podding on and through it as it will go. I've upped my water and green tea intake to see if that helps at all.
I've had some lovely meals this week and have really enjoyed my food.
I did let the bloating get to me on one of the days. I felt huge and my jeans were so tight I had to take them off and wear stretchy trousers. I allowed that to influence my day and ate all the wrong foods, but I realise thats not the way forward and picked myself up dusted myself down and continued being positive :)
Monday, 1 October 2012
I found my magic wand!
I found these at the weekend. They were as I was heading towards my biggest. Weight unknown.I think I look shy, awkward especially in the 2nd one. I couldn't smile for the camera. I hated photos big time. I was a hermit. I hated going out. I took Charlie to school and scarpered home shut the door quickly and felt 'safe'. Exercise was a swear word. I was allergic to it. Any form of it. I made any excuse not to walk princess barky knickers and it didn't help that she and I were scared of most things.
I wore size 22 pull on wide leg trousers. I told everyone I was a size 20-22. I couldn't understand why so little fitted of course.so I lived in these same black trousers which were tight on me like leggings when they should be like slacks/trousers, lose not fitted
and tshirts or big tunics which stretched across all the wobbles and rolls
So when I started slimpodding. I wanted to be a comfortable size 20. Easy, only a size and a bit to go. It was at this point I realised I hadn't been a size 20/22. Nothing in a size 20 anywhere near fitted me
So I looked at my measurements from around this time over the weekend and compared them to sizing charts. I was in fact a size 26-28 squeezed into a size 20-22.
I can now officially tell you I am a size 18. A real size 18 as pretty much all size 18's fit me and some size 16's
I was a negative person. Most unhappy. Most unhealthy. No confidence. IBS. Hated going anywhere. Got tongue tied talking to people and always messed it up so consequently didnt bother. I hated the phone. OMG i'd do anything and go to such lengths not to use it. Thank goodness for email
So I did slimming world for a bout a year and lost a couple of stone. Was I happy no not really it didn't change anything really I was still bingeing, grazing and falling into food all the time. I had that awful diet cycle. weigh day always meant eat as little as possible to weigh as little as possible. Do a wee a million times and take the lowest weight. Soon as weighed it was treat day. Eat whatever I wanted, a treat, it was weigh day. Next day it would continue and possibly the next, then i'd wake up around day 3 omg weigh day in 4 days how can I pull it back ? what can I do? OMG why did I do this every week ? Well I wanted to be slim didnt I? In my eyes if I was slim I'd be happy, I'd be confident, everything would be okay.
Then I found the pods. Read the reviews. Had to try them. I wanted a magic wand
They arrived one Saturday morning. I couldn't wait for the men to go to football so I could listen. I clearly remember that day. So they left and I listened. I was so disappointed. This 10 minute track was going to change my lifeyeah right
But I'd spent money on them I had to try so I continued to listen. I was a chocoholic too. OMG I could eat choccie till it came out of my ears. Feel sick stop and carry on later
Gradually things changed. I began to feel happier. I began to leave food on my plate, not all the time but yes I did leave it.
You know the rest really. But were they the magic wand I was looking for?? Yes they were but not quite in the manner I wanted them to be. I assumed it would all just drop off me and i'd be this happy size 10 confident woman.
What happened? Well you know that story but what I'm trying to say is I am a size 16-18. I am happy. I am calm (most of the time) I was a stress head. a fisherwoman. ask my kidsBeing skinny simply wasn't the answer I needed to deal with my head, sort out my terrible relationship with food
Do you know what I'd happily trade it. I'd stay this size forever keep my slimpods and all they've given me and give up being skinny. I started this journey with one thing in mind to be skinny and I'd give that up now
In these piccies theres a big difference - I have a 'real' smile
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