Another holiday, so whats changed?

Holiday

Was lovely and relaxing J

The cottage was old fashioned but clean, tidy, had everything and in a really tranquil setting. The garden was beautiful J Welcome pack of wine, bread, butter, jam, milk, tea, coffee, sugar etc was so lovely even washing powder, etc too very well thought out J and just down the road from Sellafield

So an 8.5 hour journey there as traffic was horrendous L but I was calm, no bad tummy, no anxiety and coped well. We went to St Bees to walk on the beach a few times and play in the rock pools. Princess soggy knickers loved it one rock pool was about 1.5 foot deep and honestly didn’t look it as was small, she bounced in and the look on her face as she lost her legs and had to doggy paddle was priceless needless to say each puddle was taken very slowly and carefully after that one as looks apparently can be deceiving

We went to Scarcliff Pike (spelling) beautiful, We went to a few of the western lakes and Carla paddled in each one and loved it.

So I wanted to see how I got on this holiday. I weighed before we left and I had put on 4.5lb. I was fine with that as OMG I’ve dealt with so much and faced some demons haven’t I? I was quite prepared for a holiday gain too, in fact I was 100% sure I would have one. So I left for holidays weighing in at 15stone 5.5lb

So I got home and weighed this morning and back to 15 stone 1lb in fact it wobbled on 15stone So not only did I go away I lost the 4.5lb I put on


So now for some points

So in a year since I last went away so much has changed. My weightloss journey kind of became face my fears and make life changes didn’t it? Last year I went away anxious, with a knot in my tummy feeling sick, tense, unhappy, planning on ‘being good’ while away, determined to try not to overeat, watching every car as scared of crashes even though not driving, worrying each time one of the kids went in the sea, worrying and stressing about everything. Dosed up with immodium just incase. Last year I ate constantly, making excuse after excuse for my awful eating habits afterall on holiday so that’s fine isn’t it? I secretly ate, I thought about food constantly and I was a nervous wreck.

So what has changed I ask myself? A lot

This year I got up and no anxiety, no tenseness, no sickness, no bad tummy, no knot in my tummy, no stress, I was calm I was relaxed OMG me relaxed on a journey that turned into a huge journey, stationary on the motorway for nearly two hours this would have had me climbing the walls in the past. Nope I sat there calm while Gary stressed Yes you heard me, calm and relaxed. Never flinched the whole journey just 2 immodium just incase J and on the way home just 1 and the journey home was over 9 hours :)  I never touched them the whole holiday  I no longer need them :)

I felt in control J
I wore my size 16 Debenhams tunic to travel in
I mindfully ate 95% of the time. The odd bit of food got inhaled but only the odd bit in fact the only secret eating I did was two choccie mini rolls J that’s it all week J The rest of the time I simply ate when hungry and stopped when full. I didn’t eat rabbit food, I didn’t have the healthiest diet in fact it included daily sandwhiches, small piece of quiche, often a few pringles (yep that’s right a few not a whole tub Mcdonalds twice, one ice cream. 3 squares of galaxy. Yep 3 piddly squares not 3 bars as its all I needed and I was satisfied

Where was Jackie??????? She was definitely there but who was this person who heard the full signal, who not once thought about food, who left food at most meals, who ate with no guilt???? Who on earth was this
I ate normal meals with my family. I went out daily to various places and made no excuses not to go ie to sit and eat secretly at home, or because I was too lazy to join them, I simply joined in. I didn’t huff and puff everywhere as I felt fitter and healthier, my tummy was pretty much 100%, I had no anxiety, no tenseness, no stress, no feeling rough all the time, lots of energy, I felt confident enough to wander round shops without the others, to walk Carla on the beach alone while the others splashed in the sea. I didn’t stress over Matt once being at home alone. I didn’t pester him constantly or check up on him. I went into the services alone I spoke to people I don’t know with ease J I often refused food that was offered me well I wasn’t hungry OMG is this me????? I cooked myself a pepperoni pizza. Took one bite and decided I really didn’t want it and left the lot a whole pepperoni pizza they all thought I’d lost my marbles I must be ill, but what was I?? Not hungry, just simply didn’t need it

I ate and drank on both journeys J like normal people do J now in the past a journey meant omg plan it all out, no food, no drink, sit tense and just can’t wait to get there. This was different I was different. I had faced my fears and won
I read two amazing books on holiday. I loved them both and felt they answered alot of my questions and showed that actually the pods do all this for us but I enjoyed reading about it all and it reinforced alot for me. The books were

Soothing the beast within: a loving path to end food addiction by Nancy Routley

and

Taking Action: 30 Specific Strategies for overcoming emotional eating by Katie M. McLaughlin





What have I learnt so far this year? Actually I know I have missed out so much but this is what I can think of at the moment


You really can eat what you want in moderation, mindfully, savour it and maintain or even lose weight J

No foods need to be banned
Food should be chewed, savoured, not inhaled
Diets don’t work
Regular exercise is not a swear word it makes you feel good
We all deserve to love and be loved for who and what we are, not who and what we wish we were J
Nothing needs to be the way its always been
There is no failure only feedback
Old habits really can be changed with time and that dreaded word ‘patience’
You really can’t teach an old dog new tricks
Needed to have faith in me
Needed to love me
I really can tell the difference between hunger and thirst
I really can stop when full and leave food on my plate its fine to do this J
Hunger is not an emergency
I am worth it
Emotions come in waves and last approx. 6 mins, so I need to try and ride that wave, feel that emotion, and move on not shove it down with food
The one minute rule works – If I crave or fancy something even if it’s a whole tub of brownies, give it one minute. Breathe in to the count of 5 and out to the count of 5 a few times. Take a bath, phone or text a friend, say an affirmation. Do I still want that whole tub? If so have it with no guilt. 95% of the time I no longer want or need it, I wanted to shove an emotion down
If I keep doing what I’ve always done I’ll keep getting what I always got
I am like a teenager in a 40+ body and can now do things for the first time as no longer have my anxieties
Fears can be faced
We can achieve anything we put our minds too
The mind is a powerful tool. It controls the body
Food is an addiction
Friendship is so important. Having people we can be open and honest with is so important. True friends are like gold dust
Inhaling food is a habit, part of the addiction, like all habits with patience and determination this habit can be broken
We reap what we sow
Losing weight is not a race. Each of our journeys is different. But we all ultimately want the same thing. A thinner healthier body and above all a healthy normal relationship with our demon ‘food’
We should set ourselves up to succeed, so one day at a time, one step at a time, not jump in with both feet and wonder why we fail
Don’t expect a miracle weightloss cure there isn’t one, it took me years to get this way so I need to wade through the issues and deal with each one at a time
Lots of tiny changes = big change
Our journeys are individual
Food does not help our emotions
Doesn’t have to be easy, just possible
I used to make constant excuses why I overate, ie don’t have time to cook healthy, I was stressed, I was on holiday, I felt tired. Now I just eat as food = fuel. Food is not your friend its your fuel. Friends are our friends
Scales lie
I am not the only one who binged, inhaled my food, turned to food, the world is full of us. I was not/am not alone

'Nothing needs to be the way its always been'

Well as the title suggests my emotions are all over the place at the moment. To be expected really with all the changes I am making. A few things came to the top to be dealt with since my last session with Lori. well a biggie came to the top. Its a biggie for me anyway. Something its time to face and deal with.  So I've been doing lots of thinking and pondering, and did turn to the biccies for help last night :( regrettably they were no help at all so I made the sensible choice and turned to Lori.

I got back for my 3rd appt on friday and I'm very excited about it. I am amazed just how much we have changed already in just 2 sessions. So session 3 is exciting.

Driving - I've driven a little and each time it felt fine, natural, no stress, no anxiety, no fear so this is fab fab fab. I haven't pushed myself yet though and this is something I am having head fights with. Do I ease myself gently and do it alone? Do I book a couple of refresher lessons so I have someone sat there for support and guidance? Answer = I simply don't know at the moment. I am still pondering. I am drawn to the book  a couple of lessons route just to see how I get on and was even drawn to a driving instructor locally so we will see. Its a case of money at the moment too.

Days out - not doing brilliantly, but will work on this. I wonder at times if its me holding myself back. Afterall I've got to make that first step haven't I?

Tummy - improving all the time :)
Eating was up and down for a few days then settled out amazingly until bicciegate last night. In some ways I am glad I experienced bicciegate as it has brought to the surface that yes I do have an emotional attachment to food still. Not binging. Not constantly. But the little monkey is still there and believe me its going its on my list.! hehehehehe. I've actually had some really fab days food wise other than this. Simply eating when hungry and stopping when full. No snacking. No thoughts of food. So I have moved on alot from the grazing binge eater of the past but want to lay my demons to rest this year and this is still one of them.

Another thing that came up was my fear/hate of swimming. I do think I know what it goes back to but of course I could be wrong as I couldn't have been more wrong with what I thought my fear of driving was.  I am an upfront person so here goes. I think it goes back to swimming as a kid. Mum never took us. We used to go to the open air pool in Rushden in the holidays. An old man there often taught kids to swim and I vaguely remember him shoving me in the deep end to prove I could do it and hearing the sound of the water as my face went under. I hate my face getting wet at swimming. I can't stand going under the water. So this is why I make this link. I could, of course, be wrong :)  I even went for lessons aged 30. I did okay I succeeded in learning to swim a length then stopped. I always thought if I had lessons I would love swimming. I don't I hate it :( I remember the instructor saying, sit on the bottom of the pool. All these ladies did and I stood there. She repeated sit on the bottom of the pool. I said 'no sorry I am 30 not a kid, I do not wish to sit on the bottom of the pool, I hate going under the water, so no' her face! I was black sheep of the group from then on but I didn't want to do it. So I didn't.

Anyone read the book - Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. Fab book love it and well worth a read. It was reading that book that started off the 'changing my life one step at a time' :) I realised I had many demons and fears and this year I was going to conquer them all :) So that is what I am doing one at a time.

Faith in me - yep I actually have some now, its growing daily, thanks to Lori :) I am beginning to love myself, to have faith in myself and thats something I had very little of in the past.

I sometimes need reminding how far I've come.  I guess thats because I know I still have so far to go, but hey I have great company and great friends to help me on this journey and its quite exciting at times seeing where it takes me.  I get annoyed at times thinking of all the years i've lived with some of my fears and issues to find that actually they can be changed quite simply, in a manner I am confortable with. Did anyone see the Katie Price programme about her awful fear of swimming. I did and loved it. She felt as I do. Cross that something so big to us can be changed so quickly. She faced her fear with Ali Campbell and got in the pool and swam. I had such a grin on my face watching her and my kids were like, why you grinning?? But I felt how fab she felt, because I've felt like that as I conquer each of my fears and issues :)

Confidence - is still increasing daily.

Choccie - I have some once in a while. Its usually one bar every 6 weeks ish. :eek: yep with the help of the choccie pod I've gone from self confessed chocoholic to eating the odd bit if I really fancy it :) woohoo! love it!

Exercise - I exercise most days with just the odd day off. I love my Leslie Sansone walk at home DVDs never be fooled by the word walk. Yep I love the fact that they are low impact ie re my knees but they are a full body workout and how I've lost alot of my baby belly. Still some there but its going. Many inches gone already hehehehehe. I also still do the TTapp step away the inches as love this one for a change :) I also walk the dog :) But remember this was the girl who was allergic to exercise. Any form of exercise. Including walking the dog ! Its now part of my life :)

Bingeing - gone :) I haven't binged since xmas. Biccie gate was nothing in comparison it was a few biccies not a binge. Not even a mini binge :)

Diet - I still do not follow a plan. 99% of the time I chose the healthy option but if I really fancy something I have it. No food is banned :)

Why not make this your year for changes too? Everyone has something they wish they could change. I had a huge list but my list is short now :) I'm on the home stretch :) and whats fab is I a) know I'll get there b) know its where I'll stay :)

changes changes all the time :)

So I am noticing more changes.  I drove to my sisters at the weekend. Its not far but I simply got in the car and drove. No stress, no anxiety, no working it out in my head just drove. Went the long way round so hit the big roundabouts - fine, even hit road works - fine :) So something has definitely changed :)

Food - I am simply eating when hungry and stopping when full. I am noticing my portion sizes are smaller, I am eating slower, savouring each mouthful, and stopping when satisfied. I am making the healthy choice still 99% of the time but  am not following a diet plan I am just eating what I fancy when I fancy it :) Its like something has clicked into place. I really do feel in control of my eating :)

I am also noticing that stuff goes on and I can see it for what it is and move on. Things are not affecting me like they used to and I can see that other peoples 'issues' are just that, 'their issues' not mine and it floats over my head :)

Exercise also seems to have become just something I do each day and enjoy it :eek: its just like its natural to get up and do some exercise before I work, no stress, no making myself do it, it just happens naturally.

We had a BBQ last night and I didn't overeat and wasn't tempted to. I had a little of what I fancied and stopped when satisfied. Its so lovely to have this free reign on food and remain in control. I was always determined when I found slimpods never to diet again, not to follow a plan but just to learn to be normal with food - well I am happy to say I have succeeded in that now. The weightloss will follow its now inevitable but not following a plan it won't drop off me, but thats fine too as early on in my journey I realised and learnt

The tortoise always wins :) slow and steady wins the race :)

I am also beginning to have faith in me :) to like me as a person, to accept me for who I am. This is a biggie for me as I am my own worst critic and if I can't love or like me its always been hard to accept that others might.  I am gradually changing in this one, and feel I am worth it :)

We have booked our holiday on the edge of the lakes, can't wait and so looking forward to walking lots :) I love walking you would never guess would you?

I have been listening to the confidence pod now since January. I have gone from zero confidence to around 80% now :) its amazing. Its subtle, and a lovely pod to listen to and it most certainly works.

an update from me

So hows it going since my first session of cognitive hypnotherapy. Its going well.  I seem to be settling now.  My stomach has been alot better but I did have a flare up this weekend which I am putting down to stress. I also accept it will take time to heal my stomach as I've had this problem for 25 years.

I have had a lot of stress since my first appointment and found myself back in the crisp drawer :( I don't like this one bit. I don't over eat though as on days I turned to crisps I simply couldn't eat tea.  Where as in the past I'd have eaten rubbish all day plus my meals.

I had my second appointment with Lori on Friday.

I got the bus there and back!  This was a huge achievement for me as one of the things I went to see Lori about was travelling. I was able to halve my tablet intake for this journey too :) So big improvements already. I was also confident enough to ask the bus driver to stop at the stop I have to get off without pressing the button as I was a little unsure and he was lovely.

We chatted about how I had been since the appt the week before and I explained I hadn't been out driving. So Lori suggested I start with journeys I had done before and was reasonably comfortable doing to see if it felt any different.

I then explained that I seemed to be backtracking a little and reaching for the crisp drawer.  So before I knew it we were on a journey to find out why.  I was given a list that I cannot remember but it included emotional eating, and comfort eating and told to chose the first thought that came into my head. So 'comfort eating' it was.

We did timeline again and at first this time I couldn't see a clear image but within seconds I knew what it went back to.

There was young Jackie aged 10-11 upstairs in her bedroom dreadfully upset as Mum and Dad were downstairs screaming their heads off at each other yet again. They used to argue alot in the years before they split and omg did they yell. I hated it. I was sitting hugging my knees wanting it all to stop. This was apparently the day I began comfort eating.  This is why I turn to food for comfort. I may also have an emotional attachment to food etc etc this is just one little thing that escalated into turning to junk to comfort myself as I had no control over the situation and didnt like it. I can clearly remembering stuffing my face with crisps, choccie biscuits on a regular basis at that sort of age. So my subconscious has had 30 years to ingrain this and match this scenaro to many occassions. We discussed what could I tell young Jackie. How could I help her through this with my knowledge now, how could we tell her its not her fault, nothing she could have done or said to change anything. It all boiled down to not being in control of situations. I have to feel in control. Not be bossy not be nasty, just 'feel in control' does that make sense? This is going to be waffly I think as I am struggling to remember it all and the 1.5 hours flew by so I know it was good lol.  I could then see young Jackie. I'd told her it wasn't her fault, some people just don't get on, she couldnt have changed anything and I lifted the weight off her shoulders.  I could see me very clearly what I looked like, what my hair was like, it was strange. As I lifted the weight off her shoulders I saw myself running through very long grass, wadding through using my hands to part it, it was a long way but when I came out the other side I ran around happy, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders it was very visual.

We then went back a couple of years to see if we hit the right spot. How was jackie aged 8ish? Oh she was fine, all smiles, happy go lucky and smiley.

So we did some more work on Jackie aged 10 which was fascinating but I have a block sort of. At some point I was asked how Jackie aged ten felt. I replied 'useless', 'worthless' 'no good' 'rubbish'  why?? Because someone told me so hmmmmm where did I feel it.? in my heart on a number of 1-10 how useless was Jackie with 1 being the most uselss, rubbish etc '1' I replied. What colour is it 'pink'.... I had tears rolling down my face at this point. I had no confidence, I felt I truely was useless, worthless, hated me.  So we did some work on this. What could we do to the pink to make it 10 rather than 1. Make it bright pink I love cerise pink. So she talked about all sorts and this pink got brighter and brighter. She then said I want young Jackie to forgive the person who said this to her. Say she forgives them. I found this very hard but after what felt like forever. I saw young Jackie go up and hug this person. Cerise pink was now number 10 . Did this person like that fact Jackie forgave her? yes they did. They actually smiled and picked me up and gave me a big hug. They cuddled and hugged Jackie age 10 so if we come back up the road to the now, what is relationship with this person like? Lovely I said they smile at me and they like me for being me. love me for who i am. I am no longer useless I have a purpose, I am worth it.  How does Jackie feel now? very happy and very smiley and feels so good about herself. How could Jackie have coped back then? for some reason 'reiki' was the answer use the reiki to comfort herself rather than turn to food. Then I saw the vision I saw as a little girl age 10. A beautiful blue angel sat on the end of my bed. She handed me a bright pink ball of positive energy weird but I did see a beautiful angel sat on my bed aged 10. I assumed it was a dream.

We came back to the now and went ahead to see if it had worked and it had. She tested me with questions etc and the feeling had gone

How does Jackie feel now? Okay, but theres something else more bridges to mend. This colour was green. It was all to do with Jackie having faith in Jackie. Jackie accepting herself. Jackie loving Jackie. This was at number 6. So we worked on this. We worked it up to a lovely rich green number 10. I will now see Jackie is worth it, shes important, shes useful and other peoples issues are just that, their issues, their insecurities, their problems and they can remain that way. New Jackie can see that  New Jackie can see these are things out of her control that neednt bother her anymore.

In fact I can't remember it all clearly today. So some of the above could be jumbled up I sense some of it is and that I've missed out a big chunk.. At the moment I can't remember it. There was a lot of work with a blue colour and the green colour, and tonnes on the pink, but the above is all I remember at the moment.  This is my account of my memories of what we did and what I felt and saw but its not 100% accurate as there are huge chunks I simply cannot remember.
 
so I am going back in about a couple of weeks for a follow up.

I need to learn  to love Jackie as much as others do. To see that others genuinally like/love me for who I am and to accept it. To accept that some may not and that too is fine but their issues and insecurities are theirs and not mine and something I can do nothing about and to stop trying to and see it for what it is.

I learnt that Jackie is worth it.  Shes a lovely person who cares so much but carried a very heavy weight around for many years because she believed she was useless, worthless and stupid, but actually she was far from it, she just could not see it .

I have to make a wish list of things I would love to do now that old Jackie has gone, shes been sorted and shes fine  where would I like to go, who would I like to meet, what would I like to do? Gradually add to it as I think of things and tick them off as I do them.

I was asked if I knew any affirmations. How apt is it that this is the one I know

I love and approve of myself


and do you know what?? today I do

It comes from Louise Hay's book.  So I am off to find Louise Hay's book to reread

oh and we looked forward. Jackie was slim, fit, healthy, happy and smiley and enjoying life to the full I could really see me slim :) very visual :) and very happy and smilie :)


I drove to Waitrose yesterday in the pouring rain. In the past I wouldn't have gone. Also it felt 'normal' to drive, rather than an effort or have to think out each step of the journey. I just got into the car and drove. My little girl and I had coffee and cake in the cafe first and I have to leave alot of my coffee and over half of my cake as I had simply had enough :) Leave cake and coffee I paid for! Unheard of!  .........

I am still listening to my pods. I love them. They are quite simply life changing. They gave me the confidence to do this :)