Refocus, set those goals, find those positives

Okay so I've been quiet for a while. I had a huge blip. Been feeling like a failure if I'm honest. I no longer felt in control and just seemed to totally override all the hard work the pods were doing. I was rebelling I guess. My rebellious stage has cost me as I've gained 11lb. I felt so gutted and upset, but its done isn't it? I can't change the fact its done but I can change it and get back into this :)  I feel deflated and need to somehow refocus. I post a positive post it results in self sabotage  I set a goal - I self sabotage or rebel. I just need to take it a day at a time with no pressure. Its the only way it works for me but somehow I am struggling to get back in the zone.

I have found a few things happen on this journey so I am guessing I really do still have emotional eating issues as if the going gets tough - I eat.  When this happens I tend to override the full signal and just keep going.  :(

The last couple of weeks I've felt more focused again though, still listening to my pods daily, finding my positives daily I just need to pod on with no pressure.  I think with my wedding anniversary looming and still a size 18 I began to feel a failure. But thinking about it I've achieved so much in this last year of slimpoddding, in fact I believe its a year ago today since I started listening. I've faced many fears, dealt with so much and have a far more healthy relationship with food.   I haven't binged since before xmas. Yes I've overeaten but not binged. Theres a huge difference. I also used to graze all day, constantly wondering what I could have to eat, stuffing my face with chocolate at the slightest chance.  95% of the time I just eat when I am hungry. I have the odd picky day but food isn't the first thing I think about. In fact today is testament to that. Its now 1.15 pm and I'm only just having some toast and peanut butter. I simply haven't felt hungry until now and haven't needed any food (eek)  I have felt more in control again and its down to 'no diet head'.  Diet head seems to rear its head every few weeks and cause havoc. Then it goes again and I feel so calm, positive and in control its fab. If my mind is occupied food is now furthest from my mind.

I'm not getting as much exercise as my son broke his leg badly and is home and in a full leg plaster. I am finding it hard to adjust to it all so I'm setting myself a mini challenge to at least take Carla once a day for a  minimum of 30 mins while he is still home as this is long term as at least 5.5 more weeks at home.

I need to look back and see that although I haven't lost tonnes of weight, although I've had a fair few blips this one being the worst, I have still achieved alot. I have still lost alot of inches, I now like exercise when I can find time, I have a far better relationship with food, I have regained alot of my confidence, I am calmer, happier, I am more positive whereas in the past I was terribly negative, so many changes.

So I am going back to basics today. I am sitting here listening to my slimpod as I type this as been struggling to listen properly due to so much going on and so tired or being interrupted   I am going to write down my positives (I've been doing this every day anyway) and need some goals as I've failed at them :( this hurts but I am going to move on from this and set some new ones.

My new goals

1) To be in my size 16 jeans for xmas day - my 18's are mega tight again
2) To be in size 14 jeans end March
3) To do 30 mins exercise each day even if its just walking Carla


So how will I reach my first goal

1) I will listen to my slimpod, fitpod and choccie pod daily
2) I will do 30 mins exercise a day
3) I will eat mindfully at each meal listening for the full signal
4) I will drink more water

I am not sure if my first goal is realistic or not as its only 8 weeks and I've a long way to go but we will see. I wish self sabotage would go away. I hate it. It drags me down constantly. Maybe its simply years of dieting and failing that make me this way?

mini challenges and new foods

I had a mini challenge last week to do 3 lots of 15 mins on the treadmill jogging for one minute and building up to one and a half minutes.  I did it!  I managed

Sunday – 15 mins at 4.5 managed to jog at 6.00  for 50 seconds

Tuesday – 15 mins 4.5 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 1.5 mins (as 60 + 30 secs)

Thursday – 20 mins 4.2 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 2 mins 15 secs (as 30 + 30 + 30 + 45 secs)

Friday – 15 mins at 4.2 and managed to jog at 6.00 for 2 mins and 10 secs (30 + 30 + 30 + 40 secs)

When I got the treadmill last year I struggled to walk on it for more than 5 mins at 3.00 :-)


So my challenge this week is to do 4 lots of 20 mins jogging for 2.5 mins



I also decided to try at least one new food a week.  Last week I tried

ricotta cheese

French toast

Quinoa


I loved all three of them. I had the ricotta with a piece of french toast, strawberries, blueberries and bananna, drizzled with a weeny bit of runny honey


The quinoa I simmered in a stock cube with sundried tomatoes and served with left over homemade chilli and a side salad


Unsure what I will try yet this week but will definitely try and least one new food.


Had a good week overall. I am terribly bloated this week which is horrid as everything is tight on me but I'm podding on and through it as it will go. I've upped my water and green tea intake to see if that helps at all.

I've had some lovely meals this week and have really enjoyed my food.

I did let the bloating get to me on one of the days. I felt huge and my jeans were so tight I had to take them off and wear stretchy trousers.  I allowed that to influence my day and ate all the wrong foods, but I realise thats not the way forward and picked myself up dusted myself down and continued being positive :)

I found my magic wand!

I found these at the weekend. They were as I was heading towards my biggest. Weight unknown.I think I look shy, awkward especially in the 2nd one. I couldn't smile for the camera. I hated photos big time. I was a hermit. I hated going out. I took Charlie to school and scarpered home shut the door quickly and felt 'safe'. Exercise was a swear word. I was allergic to it. Any form of it. I made any excuse not to walk princess barky knickers and it didn't help that she and I were scared of most things.

I wore size 22 pull on wide leg trousers. I told everyone I was a size 20-22. I couldn't understand why so little fitted of course. so I lived in these same black trousers which were tight on me like leggings when they should be like slacks/trousers, lose not fitted and tshirts or big tunics which stretched across all the wobbles and rolls So when I started slimpodding. I wanted to be a comfortable size 20. Easy, only a size and a bit to go. It was at this point I realised I hadn't been a size 20/22. Nothing in a size 20 anywhere near fitted me other than these wide legged trousers as leggings

So I looked at my measurements from around this time over the weekend and compared them to sizing charts. I was in fact a size 26-28 squeezed into a size 20-22.   So when I tried to drop a dress size I was in fact really dropping 3-4 sizes

I can now officially tell you I am a size 18. A real size 18 as pretty much all size 18's fit me and some size 16's I kidded myself for years. Would never buy anything above a size 22. if it didn't stretch round me I didn't have it, hence I actually had very little other than a few tshirts, the same littlewoods pull on trousers and a mens xxxxl regatta rain coat and the arms were twice as long as I needed them to get it to do up around me.

I was a negative person. Most unhappy. Most unhealthy. No confidence. IBS. Hated going anywhere. Got tongue tied talking to people and always messed it up so consequently didnt bother. I hated the phone. OMG i'd do anything and go to such lengths not to use it. Thank goodness for email sad really but that was me. I would say I was suffering depression too but would never have admitted it to anyone.

So I did slimming world for a bout a year and lost a couple of stone. Was I happy no not really it didn't change anything really I was still bingeing, grazing and falling into food all the time. I had that awful diet cycle. weigh day always meant eat as little as possible to weigh as little as possible. Do a wee a million times and take the lowest weight. Soon as weighed it was treat day. Eat whatever I wanted, a treat, it was weigh day. Next day it would continue and possibly the next, then i'd wake up around day 3 omg weigh day in 4 days how can I pull it back ? what can I do? OMG why did I do this every week ? Well I wanted to be slim didnt I? In my eyes if I was slim I'd be happy, I'd be confident, everything would be okay.

Then I found the pods. Read the reviews. Had to try them. I wanted a magic wand

They arrived one Saturday morning. I couldn't wait for the men to go to football so I could listen. I clearly remember that day. So they left and I listened. I was so disappointed. This 10 minute track was going to change my life yeah right

But I'd spent money on them I had to try so I continued to listen. I was a chocoholic too. OMG I could eat choccie till it came out of my ears. Feel sick stop and carry on later

Gradually things changed. I began to feel happier. I began to leave food on my plate, not all the time but yes I did leave it.

You know the rest really. But were they the magic wand I was looking for?? Yes they were but not quite in the manner I wanted them to be. I assumed it would all just drop off me and i'd be this happy size 10 confident woman.

What happened? Well you know that story but what I'm trying to say is I am a size 16-18. I am happy. I am calm (most of the time) I was a stress head. a fisherwoman. ask my kids , I am positive, I am confident, I no longer suffer daily with IBS, I can go swimming, I have faith in me, I can drive again abit at a time, I am no longer a chocoholic, I no longer binge daily, I no longer weigh 10 times a day, I can talk to strangers, I can use the phone, the list goes on and on just like me I got that magic wand really didn't I? I got all the things I wanted plus more and I'm no where near a size 10 Being skinny simply wasn't the answer I needed to deal with my head, sort out my terrible relationship with food I have pretty much done that. Its taken me a year at the end of October.

Do you know what I'd happily trade it. I'd stay this size forever keep my slimpods and all they've given me and give up being skinny. I started this journey with one thing in mind to be skinny and I'd give that up now why?? am I a nutter ?? (dont answer that one please) no I'm not a nutter I am just happy. I have confidence. I also know I will reach my goals. I will be happy at size 14 skinny no longer matters. Theres far more to it than that

In these piccies theres a big difference - I have a 'real' smile

 

Back in control

I had another session with Lori last Friday. We worked on my beliefs. I didn't believe I could ever be a size 12-14, but I do now.

and ...... I drove there and back! For the first time. No nerves, no panic, no feeling, just drove!! I can't tell you how good it felt and I was just so proud of myself.

In fact as the week has progressed I am feeling more and more determined and in control.

I've sorted out the larder. It was a mess. Now I know what food I need to buy and what I have and have been looking at recipes to try new foods. Time to try some new ideas. We tend to, like many people, eat the same meals. Most are healthy but I am just bored of it all.

This week I plan to try quinoa. Not sure what I will make of it but I plan to try a minimum of one new food per week. :) I love cooking and I am finding I am making time to make the effort rather than use convenience foods like I used to a few years ago.

Recently we tried patty pan squash. Certainly not a favourite. Nothing wrong with it but no taste as such and watery. Same with yellow courgettes. But added to my homemade chilli they are lush. Really bulk it out with veggies and these two really make it :)

I've been walking more again. I'd let it slip a little. I plan this coming week to get the treadmill out and use it at least 3 times :) I will let you know if I succeed.

I also plan to up my fruit and veg intake. I eat both but could do better.  I bought the Hairy Bikers cookbook a few weeks ago and there are a few yummy recipes that I'd like to try. It was only £5 in the Book People.  I don't follow any diet plan and have no intentions of ever following a diet again but one of my aims was to eat healthier and we are doing that more and more now. Yes we have the odd McDonalds but generally I cook from scratch these days.

I also tried wholewheat pasta. I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed it. It doesn't go stodgy like normal pasta does at times. I also tried a blueberry muffin in Costa (giggles) well one has to try these new foods don't they! It was lush. melted in my mouth and funnily enough had it as breakfast as I remained full until lunchtime :) I am rather partial to a Costa coffee and one opened in Rushden recently.

So this week I will be hopefully trying some new recipes, upping the exercise, ie treadmill and trying new foods :)

I feel really determined, in control, calm, positive and so much more confident. When I started this journey I was a stresshead. I shouted like a fisherwoman at the kids and constantly felt wound up like a coil. I rarely feel stressed at all now, and remain calm most of the time. I smile more. My confidence is at around 90%. I have faith in myself for the first time in years.  I was the most negative person but I am so much more positive now.

I feel bloated at the moment, I have no idea what I weigh as no longer jump on the scales daily. No longer interested.  I got into a pair of Next trousers that didn't fit at all a few weeks ago so despite feeling bloated I've lost inches or pounds from somewhere as they fit lovely and i've worn them a few times now.

So the journey continues. Its been quite a year, so many achievements, so many fears faced, and more to come :)

ever feel like giving up?

Well that's how I felt yesterday.

Yesterday was a 'different day'

Its the first time in many months I just wanted to give up.

How can one go from brimming with confidence, positivity , feeling slim, feeling amazing to rock bottom in 20 seconds??? I'll tell you SCALES!!! blooming SCALES!!!

Nope wasn't going to weigh had no intention infact, but had a parcel to weigh and blooming things won't weigh just the parcel so had to weigh and then weigh holding the parcel. I was quite happy to weigh as was 150% sure of a loss, I mean my eating has changing so much in the last 22 days. So on I got 15.6 1/2!!!! Last time I weighed a month ago I was 15:1. ok got off as it hurt. Got on again yep 15 6 1/2 !!!! It was a slap in the face. So I reasoned with myself I had clothes on so take 1-2 lb off, I had eaten brekkie and had a few coffees maybe another 2 but that would still be above what I was last time I weighed  I was gutted beyond gutted.

So thats how one can go from brimming with confidence, feeling slimmer, feeling on top of the world to rock bottom in 20 seconds  that simple.

I decided I'd rise above it. I felt good Saturday so I could feel good Sunday couldn't I? nope  it didn't work that way this little voice in my head said 'foods the answer you need choccie' I ignored it as long as I could in fact managed until about 1pm. I was proud of that, but this bleddy voice got louder and louder so I had crisps, but I wanted choccie, I tried more crisps but I wanted choccie , this is how it went on. I now feel so bloated and my trousers are so tight I feel I'll burst  

Will I be weighing again anytime soon? no I won't! I hate the scales and they simply hate me. I mean how can a girl put on weight when shes eaten 3 sensible meals a day for 22 days. 5 were iffy days but I don't mean binge days not by a long run, just didn't eat as mindfully. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Scales have been hidden again. I don't know where they are and quite frankly they can sod off as I hate them more than ever!! My life was good until they briefly popped in to say hi. My life was wonderful in fact, I felt amazing, I felt so slim and happy but that number ruined my day, made me feel useless all over again, made me feel a whale!

So yesterday was not a good day at all. In fact I felt lower than lower and quite frankly I just wanted to give in, turn to food , and inhale for the next few days. Thats how bad I felt. But today I've woken up, listened to my pods, made a peppermint tea to calm my bloated tummy. Going to drink extra water today and hope this bloat goes as its awful. Taking Charlie to school and coming home and will do a few mins on the treadmill before I work. So thats me. I've dusted myself down, picked myself up (and believe me I didn't want to get up) and I will do this, somehow I will get through this and complete this journey.

In fact I am back from school, I've been on the treadmill and managed 30 mins. I took my frustration out on the treadmill and feel much better for it! lol

So today is a bright new sun shiney day, and I can do this !

 

Diets Don't Work

While away I took my kindle and did lots of reading in the evenings. I read a book 'Diets Don't Work' by Dr. Bob Schwartz.  On completing the book I had a lightbulb moment - this is effectively what the pods are doing for me but I've been fighting them for 10 months. My diet head always kicked in trying to get me to chose the healthy option etc etc. Mindful Eating. :) This is the way forward and of course my slimpod :)

So I set about rethinking.  I now set my alarm 20 mins early and listen to my slimpod 'Drop two dress sizes' and my 'fit pod' before I get up, I then listen to the choccie pod as I get dressed. I find doing this sets me up for day.

So I am on day 20 of mindful eating and podding. Hows it going? I have been keeping a score. Yesterday ended in a score of 14 to me 5 to the diet head.  So today is day 20 and I'd like to make that 15-5 :D

On those five days that the diet head kicked in there was a pattern looking back I noticed ie eating meals late as busy etc, and then a friend pointed out carbs. Yes each of these 5 days I had toast for breakfast and jacket potatoes for lunch or tea. So start the day with carbs seems to affect my eating later on as I crave more rubbish than on normal mixed eating days. So now I can see two triggers I shall see how I get on.

In the book Diets Don't Work its suggested 2-3 months to really get into mindful eating and I can see why as its harder than I ever thought but , and its a big but the cravings do seem far far far less and on most days non existant as I am listening to my body, eating what I fancy, and pleased to say that most meals are really healthy and balanced because I want to not feel I should :)

At first I wished I'd just relaxed into the pods in the first place, just let them do their job rather than fight and test them constantly, but looking back and with reflection perhaps I needed to go through this stage to really see what works, just how well the pods work, just how much they have changed my thinking and doing.

I have never regretted for one minute any of this journey. If I look back to the Jackie of this time last year and compare her to the Jackie of now, goodness there are just such huge huge differences.   First of all they pulled me from a dark deep hole. I was like a mouse, a hermit.  Then after several weeks of listening I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it really was a eurika moment for me. I can clearly remember emailing Sandra and telling her how much better I felt, how I didn't realise had low I had sunk until I saw that light and felt so much better.  Alot began to change when I began listening to the Confidence pod back in middle of January. Little subtle changes that when I looked back were amazing. Slowly my confidence returned.  I'd look  back and think 'did I do that' 'oh my goodness did I say that?' On walks I'd realise I no longer had my back bent with head right down looking at the floor avoiding peoples faces and stares. I held my head high, stepped it out and had a smile on my face. It was so liberating to notice and I began to feel alive. Really alive.

I'd say my confidence was pretty much zero.  Now today I'd say its 90%. I feel amazing. I really do feel that the world is my oyster.

Listening to the pods for several months got me into exercising daily (okay for me its been mainly walking but thats got me out and about again something I simply wasn't doing). I always joked I was allergic to exercise but now I hate it if I've not been out walking. If I don't go out I walk indoors with Leslie Sansome. I love her DVDs but have to admit lately I'm walking outdoors twice a day and loving it and feeling better for it, and Leslie is getting dusty.  But she will I am sure be used again on cold winter days :)

The pods gave me back the confidence and made me want to make some pretty drastic changes in my life. I wanted to go out and about again, go shopping with my family, go on day trips, not feel tense and nervous in the car, go swimming, I just wanted a normal family life back again. So I started seeing Lori and so much is changing and continues to change. I have been shopping with my daughter and mother in law, I've been going swimming and enjoying it, I've been talking to people I don't know, I've not felt tongue tied if the teacher approaches me at school, I've been building my kids' confidence up, I am calmer, I am so positive, I am happier, I feel alive !

Yep I'm still in my size 18's that I got into at the end of May but I've dealt with so so much, and haven't put on weight. I feel slimmer, I feel healthier, and I am sure now that I am out and about more and making so many changes the weight will begin to shift again.  Cognitive hypnotherapy is amazing. It really really works. Yet its so simple. I so wish I'd done all this years ago.  So I shall continue podding, walking and mindful eating and see what the next few months bring for me.

If you are ever in any doubt about slimpods, wipe away that doubt, grab a slimpod and put a happy real smile back on your face. They make you feel good, they give you back your self esteem, you lose weight and inches effortlessly, its just becomes second nature.  All you have to do is listen daily, set those goals and find those positives :)

In the early days I used to call them pesky positives as I found them so very hard to find. Afterall I'd lived with negativity for years.  Now I love my positives and i'm such a positive person. I look at everything differently. Even a bad food day is no longer the end of the world. Yes I get disappointed but then I sit and work it all out and consider it a lesson learnt. Trevor says two things that I love and live by 'nothing has to be easy just possible' and 'there is no failure only feedback'.  I live my life this way now. I can do anything I put my mind to, I do them as and when I feel ready and sometimes I need a little shove in the right direction but I can do this!  Blips are blips and lessons to learn they are no longer the end of the world or a failure. They are simply blips. :)

Shopping

So yesterday I went shopping! Shopping Shopping. Not online shopping. Not dash to town and get home fast shopping, but Shopping Shopping :)

I haven't been shopping for many years due to my ibs and anxieties. They ruled my life. The more I let them the worse it got. To the point I simply stayed home as much as I could. I was Queen of excuses, and backed out of most trips and events with one excuse or another :(  This year I've been facing my fears one at a time and yesterday was testing out shopping.

We had a fab time. I took Charlie and Gary's Mum. The boys went to watch Cobblers and dropped us in Northampton and picked us up afterwards. We wandered round the shops and market and had a lovely time. In fact the time went so quickly.! Charlie loved shopping. Goodness me that girl would have spent hundreds given the chance ! She had no concept of money just wanted everything cool that she saw!  Next time she will be given money in a purse and can decide what to spend it on!

I even had the confidence to go to Marks & Spencers for a bra fitting. It was rubbish. None even remotely fitted despite the bra fitter insisting they did and I should get them. She kept on and I kept pointing out where it gaped or overhung. In the end I politely told her i'd had enough and wouldn't be buying any and I left. I was astounded I found the confidence to do this. In the past I'd have bought one just to get out of there and never worn it, but yesterday I was firm but polite telling her they did not fit I did not want them. I have to say I was terribly disspointed in the service received and certainly won't be going back to M&S for a fitting. So I still need to deal with this and will probably go back and try Debenhams next as heard good reviews about their service.

So I went shopping, I enjoyed it, I had no ibs, no anxiety, no panic, no nothing. I felt calm, I felt confident, I felt normal :)