My head is in a good place!

I am feeling really positive and confident at the moment.  My head is back in a good place and I have faith in me.

This week I have noticed big changes in my eating habits. I am just waiting until I feel hungry and eating, and then stopping when full. I am not constantly eating just because its lunch time, or breakfast time. I do eat my main meal with the family though as its the one time of day we all sit together.

I am noticing I am really considering what it is I want and having it. I've also noticed I am serving up smaller portions again and finding them satisfying as I know I can eat again if hungry. Most of the time I am not needing to. Last night I felt hungry so I had some rich tea biscuits and a yogurt. It was what I fancied. I have never been a fan of Rich Tea biscuits so its an odd choice for me to make but it hit the spot and I enjoyed it.

I am trying to master hula hooping. Hmmmm I am not succeeding at all apparently I am simply not moving my hips! Or so Charlie says! I am believe it or not trying to! I am not giving in. I shall just have to keep trying!

I have noticed on 3 occasions in the past 2 weeks, my 'hands' have wanted food. I know that sounds odd but its abit like smoking I guess. Years and years of ingrained habits and certain circumstances (usually stress for me) make my hands want food. I know I'm not hungry, I don't need it, but my hands do, Why oh why don't mind hands chose to want fruit? or a healthy snack? No when my hands want food its always chocolate and crisps. Eaten fast and before you know it you are 4 penguins and 3 bags of crisps in, then I sit on my hands! But I observed it, I see what sets me off now and I am doing something about it .

In the past though with all the stress I've had it would have been and was a daily occurrence several times a day, not just the odd one once a day, and these days I realise what I am doing and stop and simply carry on normally. I don't spend weeks bingeing and feeling sorry for myself. It happened. Its done. Its dusted. move on. This works well for me as limits the damage and I don't feel overwhelmed.

Its like I'm taking back my control of food one step at a time and not many steps left now as most of the time I have total control. My hands don't!

I find I chose to walk to town, even in this extreme heat rather than take the car which is here most of the time now as Gary uses a company car/van thingy. I have a sedantry job really so I find I am getting up and doing something just little bits rather than sit there all day as I did. Kids are off now for the summer so I will be up and down far more being referee!  You'd think as one is 16 and one just 9 all would be calm wouldn't you? Big age gap? Different interests? Oh no their main interest is winding each other up. Even at 16 if your little sister kicks you, its okay to kick her back, but harder and then say I didn't hurt her!!  They are both as bad that's for sure.

I am slowly changing my beliefs in myself.  Its taking time but I can see it changing slowly for the better :) Changing my life a step at a time :) for the better, for good!

All About Me!

Whenever I hit a blip for whatever reason I look back at pictures. I actually hate having my photograph taken! Always have. But pictures tell a story don't they. Here I am hiding behind a) my hair b) my dog! and looking at the dog so as not to look at the camera. I hate this photo. Was it taken from an iffy angle? Nope all the photos that day are just as bad. Yep I really did look like that! eek!

Then I found this picture

Look sideways Jackie don't look at that camera. I lived in black. I thought I looked slimmer! As one does.

The hair is off my face abit though, not totally hiding behind it.

Then I start my slimpod journey and here I am 

The slouched shoulders, no confidence.

Then today

Whats different?? I've come out from behind the hair, I'm actually looking at the camera as I took this picture. And look at the smile. That real smile :)

Have I reached my target yet? Nope a fair way to go. But I am not recognizable as the woman I was before. I walk tall. No slouched shoulders. I smile alot more.  I am far far happier.

Yes my stomach feels huge at the moment. Its partly hormonal that's for sure but we won't go into that, its all part and parcel of being a woman!  Its been this way 2 months now and I let it get me down but why? Its me isn't it? Its just how it is? Why am I so bothered?? I felt a failure again. Yep that blooming word failure. Why oh why does that word come up so much ? I guess because its my belief. I believe I am a failure. So lets change that word forever shall we??

F  = FRIENDS = I've made some fantastic friends on my journey

A = ACTION = move that body for a better body - I move around more now

I = INSPIRE = I inspire some people to keep going

L = LIKE = I like me again!

U = UNDERSTAND = I understand what others are going through and love to help

R = REAL = I have a real smile

E = EYES = I have pretty eyes

The other thing is I have spent the last few years thinking I look gross. Disgusting. Quick hide behind as many clothes as possible. I've spent ever summer in leggings. Thick black leggings or trousers. :( Awful.  This year I got sick of it. Why hide? Who's looking at me for goodness sake the World has far better things to do than to look and me and think "OMG look at her!" but I honestly used to believe they did. Stare at me. Think I was gross and disgusting just as I thought.

2 weeks ago I got hold of my two pairs of stretchy black trousers and cut the legs off. Shorts that happily fit over my larger belly. I've lived in them since! I've not got changed to walk to town, to go for coffee, to go to the shops. I am me. I went out as me! and guess what nobody said anything and I didn't look at the pavement. I didn't hunch my shoulders. I didn't dash back indoors and hide from the World, I went out. I enjoyed it. I walked tall with a smile and many smiled and said hi back to me!

I finally have confidence. I may not have a size 14 body yet, but I have something far better than that I feel happier. I can talk to people I don't know. I can go outside in shorts and not give a stuff what others think. So if like me you are hiding behind thick leggings, long tops, stretchy trousers. DON'T!!!! Be you! Be happy! Enjoy your life. 

I will be a size 14 and I will get there this year :) I am determined. I am actually beginning to believe I really can do this. I didn't believe I could before so I was never going to get there. My beliefs are changing :) I've changed so much in my life I am now only one step away from getting that size 14 body. Its quite a big step really. Abit like climbing a mountain, but imagine that sense of achievement when you get to the top of that mountain :) How amazing will that feel? I know how amazing it will feel. I can 'feel' what it will feel like. I can visualise it now :)  Look how long its taken me to truly believe that YES I CAN DO IT!

I have dealt with so much and now I'm on the last hurdle. My belief in me. My faith in me. Its been a long journey for me. Would I change it? NO.  Trevor says 'There is no failure only feedback' and he's right. Each blip, each tear, each hair pulled out in frustration is for a reason. We grow as we learn. I've learnt so much about me.

I have had the most stressful year possible but I have come out the other side. I am a confident woman again. I have a real smile :)

I've put things back into perspective :)

I think watching the Dove advert again and doing the exercise with the mirror has helped me a lot. Some friends read that post and pretty much all of them in different ways told me I seriously don't see what they see. :) These friends have known me at my biggest. At my most negative and they see the changes in me far better than I do.

So I am feeling really positive again :)  I seem to have these little blips but they are usually connected to stress or my perception of myself.

Its funny how we see ourselves. How we are so critical of ourselves yet others aren't.  I think alot of the tiny blips I've had are down to years of dieting.  So the slightest set back gets all out of proportion in my head as I feel I'm failing again when I'm not. Its just for that split second I don't see it.

I've tweaked my new goals as I feel inch loss matters more to me at the moment as I am feeling bloated.  The goals needs to mean something to you for it to be really effective, so its tweaked and I plan to use 2 inches off tummy and 1 inch off my waist by 31st July 2013.

What diets works from the inside out? Giving you back that inner confidence, that glow, that loving the skin you're in feeling when not even yet at target?

What diet helps you to put food to the back of your mind? Every diet I've ever followed has made me obsess about the one thing I am trying not to obsess about - food!

What diet helps you to eat normally again? Eat when hungry stop when full? That's what I do now :) I eat normally. I have a healthy relationship with food.

What diet can stop binge eating?  I was a terrible binge eater. I haven't binged for well over a year now. In fact it was a year at Christmas so well over a year.

What diet makes you feel relaxed?

I feel so good inside so now want to reach my ultimate goal of size 14 this year :) I feel my head is in the right place to achieve this so my long term goal is to be wearing a size 14 outfit on Christmas Day 2013.  I have changed so much in my life.  I can now get on with exercising and chibbling away at the inches left :)

I used to be scared to answer the phone to make phone calls. This week i've really noticed this has totally gone. I've spoken to several people recently who I don't know and I've done so confidently. I used to be terrified of skype, I am absolutely fine with it now, it doesn't worry me at all :)

I used to be rubbish at social media I am now loving it, learning it, and living it hehehehehehe. I am still learning and tweaking but I love it and use it properly :)

I am eating with my family. Not buying in special food as on a diet. I love that. I just happily leave food on my plate once I am full :)

Here's to the rest of 2013.  2013 is my year!

New Goals

So I have reset my goals. Set new 6 week goals as I have struggled the last few weeks. Kind of lost my focus abit with all the stress I was under. But I've dusted down, giving myself a talking to and ready to hit those size 14 pear shaped linen trousers. Especially as looks like summer will be late this year hehehehehe

I also have a pair of size 14 pear shaped jeans which will be my goal after my trousers as the trousers are wider legged :)

Goals

1) I will lose 2 inches off my stomach and an inch off my waist by 31st July 2013

How will I do this

1) I will do core cardio once a week

2) Ttapp basic workout plus 3 times a week

3) Walk princess barky knickers 5 times a week

4)  Try new recipes

5) Drink more water

6) Listen to my pods and find 3 positives every day

At a crossroads - how I see myself

Not sure how many people saw the Dove advert but I thought about it a lot today. I had tears in my eyes the first time I watched it and again today. Why? Because I am so harsh about myself.

If you haven't seen it. Do watch it. Its quite an eye opener. I think this is the full ad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

So first off. I need to do this exercise.  I am going to show a photo and describe myself to you. How I honestly see me.

Look in the mirror, What do I see?
This fat frumpy person looking back at me...

She's got a big nose and chunky thighs
Each time she looks she feels sad and she sighs.

She's got a fat belly, and a couple of chins
years of bad eating and counting those syns!

What bought all this on? Why feeling so down?
She got out those scales, got on, then off with a frown ...

Why did she do it? why step on them to see?
She wanted that number to be kinder you see.

A week of feeling fab, clean eating, and more
yet step on the scales and her heart hit the floor.

Why did it matter? her diet head kicked in
and made her feel a failure and fatter not thin!

Yet old Jackie's gone, and new Jackie's here
pass her a tissue to wipe off that tear

She's got confidence, stands tall, is healthier too
Who cares about a number that's staring at you!

Hold that head high, be proud of how far you have come
That number means nothing, scales are just dumb

They don't show the changes, the habits that are gone
the hurdles jumped over, the feeling she's won!

The binges are over, she knows when to stop
the number eventually just has to drop

So why let a number ruin your day
Pop those bleddy scales away!


I see chins, bulges, fat thighs.  I see crows feet. I see a belly that always make me look pregnant.
I feel conscious of what I see.  I want to hide the rolls of fat from others. I want to pretend its not there. Yet I was far far far bigger.

I realised on watching the Dove advert again I don't see what others see.   Its my perception of me. I need to remember how far I have come. The fact I am happier, healthier, fitter, and have that real smile :) What matters more? A number? What others think?  or how I feel?  How I feel wins :) I've never felt better if I'm honest. I exercise regularly. Never over eat. Eat when hungry and stop when I'm full. My body just needs to catch up abit!  I guess at the end of the day I've spent years abusing my body. Feeding it crap. Not moving it. Not doing anything about it other than dieting, dieting and more dieting.  I need to have that word Darin talks of all the time PATIENCE!!!!!






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Girlie Days with Charlie

Charlie loves Girlie Days. I think because it means quality time with Mum but also because Mum spends money (rollseyes)

Saturday was the first one for a while. It meant a walk into town. A wander round Store Twenty One to make it affordable to buy her several bits and pieces. She came out of there with an orange cardi, orange skirt, (neon) eek! dress, rug for her bedroom, new door hook for her room, and I'm sure there were other bits too.

I came out with a new winnie the pooh mug.

We then went into Costa. She loves their double chocolate chip muffins.  so she had one with a coke and I had a coffee and a small lemon tart. Charlie pinched part of that lol.

We wandered to Wilkinsons as her spending spree wasn't over apparently.  We then find they have a free craft table and free face painting, so we queue, and queue. She makes a tissue paper pot she is very proud of and had her face painted.

Shes 9 going on 18! hehehehehe everything becomes a fashion show! as you can see neon cardy (skirt same colour) hehehehehe

Oh and the butterfly lasted until Monday night as she refused to wash, or lay on her side in bed to keep it perfect.

She also 'needed' new art supplies. 'needed' not wanted 'needed' So she came home with a carrier bag full that are all over my lounge floor along with bratz dolls, barbies and general Charlie junk! I am convinced shes Britain's youngest hoarder in the making ! She loves that programme.

Today is apparently girlie day too :) Again this meant a walk to Costa in the rain, a trip to Wilkinsons as she 'needed' more art supplies for her project for my birthday on Sunday!  It looks like I am getting a small Charlie handmade canvas piccie for my office wall as we 'needed' a pack of four blank canvases!

She did try to tell me we 'needed' these sparkly stones that go in the bottom of a fish tank.  ummm we don't have a fish tank! and at £2.99 I passed on that one!

Today she made me laugh so much. We were in the queue in Costa.  Someone picked up a diet coke. She piped up 'Mummy does that lady really think that drink is good for her? dear dear its full of chemicals and quite addictive' OMG I wanted the ground to swallow me up.!  I asked how she knew that and apparently I told her. :)  She then proceeds to read the labels on the drinks and choose a Fanta (don't ask) but apparently the odd glass of 'real fizzy' is better than chemicals and she doesn't drink much of it now as prefers high juice and fizzy water :)  So perhaps I was wrong and Charlie does listen to me sometimes !

Shes apparently going to listen to the confidence pod this week as its the talent show auditions at school next Friday and by listening to the confidence pod a) she will sing just like Katie Perry b) it makes her voice better lol

Oh and apparently slimpods are great. They made her Mummy beautiful hehehehehehe!

Little changes

I had to blog about this. Its a silly thing but it was a realisation last night!

Last night we had a roast dinner.  Love roast dinners but we don't always have them due to time, cost and getting everyone together lol

Well this would have been Old Jackie's roast dinner =

Chicken with skin on (eating extra as I served up) :) one of the perks of the job isn't it? hehehehehe, veggies, tonnes of roast potatoes (I mean I cooked them in olive oil so its healthy isn't it? so pile it high)  a couple of Yorkshires, parsnips, and gravy, and mint sauce and stuffing.  I would be knicking potatoes as I served while nobody was looking so it looked like I was eating less (rollseyes) :( Then I'd have eaten the lot. Saving the best bits for last. I always cleared my plate. Even as a kid. So I'd eat what I wasn't so keen on saving all the goodies till then end. Did this for 44 years :)

So realisation time.  Bearing in mind no diet head. I just slimpod. I don't follow any plan and never plan to -

I served mine last.  I didn't eat anything as I served up.  I pondered for a second. mmmmm what do I fancy?  Yorkshire? - nah seriously don't fancy any today. So I served - lean chicken breast. For some reason I removed the skin (shrugs shoulders) :eek: didn't fancy it! OMG :eek:! Piled on the veggies and roasted parsnips. I say piled on I don't mean a heap just a serving. Potatoes.  Mmmm do I want any... I'll have 3 tiny ones.  Stuffing, mmm yes love that, and a weeny bit of gravy.

I sat down. Realising not overly hungry, so I found myself eating my favourite foods first, veggies and chicken apparently hehehehehehehe. I ate 2 weeny potatoes. That's it.  I left quite abit of my dinner once I was full.  I left potato and parsnip on my plate ???? unheard of. 

I bought cream cakes yesterday. I cannot remember the last time I bought them. My favourites too choux buns with caramel on top. Yum..... but it wasn't yum. Mine sat in the fridge. Simply didn't fancy it and still don't. Good job as Chris ate mine last night. He had two hehehehehehehe.  He asked who's it was first. I said mine.  He said oh that's fine just asking as they were scrummy.  I said have it , seriously ,I don't want it????.......