a couple of posts from my online diary

I wanted to share these two posts from my online diary. Not sure why but thought they might help others too :)

Sunday

I read a few pages of the beginning of my online diary on a popular website and realised how negative and unhappy I was its quite scarey to read it as its like reading about someone else can't be me?? I am positive princess of positive as one of my friend calls me so who was that negative woman?

Who would have thought that listening to a lovely relaxing voice once a day and finding those pesky positives as I used to call them as found them so hard to find would change my life, and lead me on a very very windy journey? I mean I started this diary to lose weight didn't I. Its all that mattered then to be skinny, but then as life unfolded that wasn't the most important thing Yes I still wish to be slimmer but ultimately I wanted to be healthier, happier, more confident and live longer for my children. I wanted to learn by my Dad's fatal errors to make him proud of me. While on holiday realisation hit me. I have achieved most of this other than the skinny bit. Whats funny is I don't feel down about the non skinny bit as I look better than I did and feel heaps better than I did. and also he would be proud of me just for being me. Afterall thats what he was like. Loved us unconditionally. Even when we were awful to him at times it all bounced off and he just came back relentlessy He was one of lifes big softies and who would have wanted him any other way

SO yes I do wish to rid myself of the excess weight but I have the tools to do this slowly now. enjoying my food, being able to eat with my family and knowing how to stop. Knowing that bingeing doesn't make me happy, it doesn't deal with the emotions I was trying to shove down, it actually made me more unhappy and more of a recluse.

I really do feel I've nearly hit the point where food is simply fuel this is an amazing feeling. IF I have something like last night I had a slither of choccie cake that Matt got for us and icecream and a crunchie. But thats fine and guess what the best bit of all it was guilt free no beating myself up. Its fine. I can have it. I was hungry and I was not overstuffed. I had simply eaten until satisfied and last night I fancied the cake and the choccie. But I stopped at that and thats the thing isn't it? Old Jackie would have been mad at herself. Why did I have that? Why did I ruin my diet? ruin my week gosh I could teach her a thing or two couldn't I? I mean lets look at it sensibly how does a piece of choccie cake and icecream and a crunchie ruin her week?? thats just it she had life totally out of proportion. Her life revolved simply around food. its all she thought about and in her head there were good and bad foods, banned foods. In this Jackies life food is food. Yes of course she must eat healthily but its also fine to eat other stuff so long as doesn't eat past full

I have the tools to continue to change my life I simply have to chose to do it. Some things come naturally now some I still need to work on ie driving and swimming. I am hoping to go swimming this week. I do need a gentle nudge on this one but I do feel I can do it now, after all 'anything is possible' 'we can achieve anything we put our minds to' I just need to do that. Put my mind to it, accept things don't have to be easy, just possible. Nobody can take that step other than me so I must chose to do that. Same with the driving. I shall look at finances and see if I can book a couple of lessons. They were only £20 an hour so I am sure I can find that

I think the more I deal with my life and my mind the weight will just begin to go of its own accord as I no longer need to hold onto it for comfort do I?

Abit of old Jackie reared itself yesterday. I walked around in long black leggings all day. Boiling hot... why?? because I'm fat aren't I? but why does that really matter so much? I need to remember how far I've come and enjoy and live the life I have as I know only too well how quickly these things get snatched away I need to live life so why wander round baking and looking like a lobster just because someone else might not like what they see? I mean who really gives a monkeys what they think?? food for thought eh. Its abit of that when I lose weight all will be perfect attitude isn't it? but will it? I need to make those changes too as I am for it to be anywhere near perfect. or i'd just be skinny and unhappy.

So positives

I ate whatever I fancied and stopped when full, most of it healthy fuel

I ate without guilt without a thought, I simply ate

I feel as a family we are getting on better because I am a far nicer person and not a stress head anymore

Gary's Mum popped in for a cuppa unheard of but shows how far shes come

I have faith in me

I am more confident

Charlie has a party at 11 today. I would have been dreading it, anxious, what will people think of me, today I am fine about it, I don't care what they think. I am me, I am who I am, they can like or lump it, thats fine

I am calmer

I have the tools to continue to change my life for the better and plan to do just that

I realise just how important friendship is I appreciate and love each and everyone of you

Friendship is a two way street and you've all shown me so much how much you genuinally care about how I am and how I am doing and you always pick me up when I falter and remind me how far I've come

I love and approve of myself



Monday

today I am wearing a skirt a monsoon size 18 and its not down to my ankles and a vest top. Now I am very much out of my comfort zone and keep wondering whether to go and change, and guess I may just do that in a minute but I got up put it on and didn't feel sick looking at myself in the mirror. Yes I'm still big but my arms are better than they were and so is the rest of me so I am going to try to face this awful fear and wear it today weather permitting as not looking fab. I also have a lipoma on mid top of my back and I've hidden it since the oesteopath pointed it out to me as big so this is quite a biggie for me. Its domed but flat so I notice it more than others but its there and its visable., but today I am trying to not care what people think I got toothpaste down the top and its still there despite baby wipes making it look leaky I knew if I took it off I would not succeed. This is the year to make those changes to face all these bleddy demons and beat the wotsit out of each one so nearly achieved this one, mind you its something I need to do again and again to help me overcome that awful 'want to cover myself up bit' I have horrid white veiny, spider veiny legs. Not nice. Horrid, Always hidden them but why? I mean who the heck stands or lays on the floor and looks at my legs that close. Yep they get a glimpse but do they really stare? Not really its all in my head isn't it? I feel so self conscious same about the lump on my back, but its me, its how I am, I can't easily change it so why shouldn't I wear nice clothes? Why hide in leggings and make myself feel worse, I need to hold that head high and show what I am made of and today I did just that. I won't pretend it was easy. OMG I wanted to hide in my jacket. OMG I felt the world had binoculars out and were saying 'OMG look at that mutton dressed as lamb' but I did it and I will do it again

It was funny yesterday they all went out I was home alone and not really wanting to do the jobs I should have been doing, food became a thought. A thought I didn't want or need as I simply wasn't hungry but the thoughts were popping up like they used to 'what can I have' 'shall I have choccie' 'mmm what do I want' but deep down I knew actually I don't want any, I am not hungry and I am basically stalling doing what I should be doing, so what shall I do to remove these pesky thoughts? mmmm so I rang my lovely friend, it worked a treat and as ever this lovely friend helped me through an iffy patch which actually shes done several times in the past too hit a low and shes always there for me friends like this really are like gold dust, but I must be ultra lucky in life as I have several just like that always there to pick me up and remind me how far I have come to lovely friends xxxxx

Positives

I went to the party held my head high felt a little uncomfortable at first but it passed and I helped and nattered with people I didn't really know

I enjoyed most of it

I was the only one that said thankyou afterwards

I never had brekkie but didn't go mad at lunch ate it mindfully and stopped when full

Tea was 8pm we decided to have a last mcdonalds. Gary got home and half missing so they shared it all out as too far to go back and I gave up mine to Gary and had half a portion of chips, a coffee and then made myself a Jacket potato and cheese and the best bit it didn't bother me, after all it was food and food is fuel OMG is this me?? I mean would old Jackie have done this not sure

I had choccie thoughts after tea, but they stayed just that 'a thought' a thought I was able to change and reason with. why? I wasn't hungry and I didn't 'need' it. So I didn't have it. I could have done, but I chose not to

Charlie just said if I love her I'm to keep this out fit on as I look pretty

I realise thoughts are just that thoughts and they can be changed if we remain positive

I have confidence

I am calm

I am happy

I love and approve of myself

Another holiday, so whats changed?

Holiday

Was lovely and relaxing J

The cottage was old fashioned but clean, tidy, had everything and in a really tranquil setting. The garden was beautiful J Welcome pack of wine, bread, butter, jam, milk, tea, coffee, sugar etc was so lovely even washing powder, etc too very well thought out J and just down the road from Sellafield

So an 8.5 hour journey there as traffic was horrendous L but I was calm, no bad tummy, no anxiety and coped well. We went to St Bees to walk on the beach a few times and play in the rock pools. Princess soggy knickers loved it one rock pool was about 1.5 foot deep and honestly didn’t look it as was small, she bounced in and the look on her face as she lost her legs and had to doggy paddle was priceless needless to say each puddle was taken very slowly and carefully after that one as looks apparently can be deceiving

We went to Scarcliff Pike (spelling) beautiful, We went to a few of the western lakes and Carla paddled in each one and loved it.

So I wanted to see how I got on this holiday. I weighed before we left and I had put on 4.5lb. I was fine with that as OMG I’ve dealt with so much and faced some demons haven’t I? I was quite prepared for a holiday gain too, in fact I was 100% sure I would have one. So I left for holidays weighing in at 15stone 5.5lb

So I got home and weighed this morning and back to 15 stone 1lb in fact it wobbled on 15stone So not only did I go away I lost the 4.5lb I put on


So now for some points

So in a year since I last went away so much has changed. My weightloss journey kind of became face my fears and make life changes didn’t it? Last year I went away anxious, with a knot in my tummy feeling sick, tense, unhappy, planning on ‘being good’ while away, determined to try not to overeat, watching every car as scared of crashes even though not driving, worrying each time one of the kids went in the sea, worrying and stressing about everything. Dosed up with immodium just incase. Last year I ate constantly, making excuse after excuse for my awful eating habits afterall on holiday so that’s fine isn’t it? I secretly ate, I thought about food constantly and I was a nervous wreck.

So what has changed I ask myself? A lot

This year I got up and no anxiety, no tenseness, no sickness, no bad tummy, no knot in my tummy, no stress, I was calm I was relaxed OMG me relaxed on a journey that turned into a huge journey, stationary on the motorway for nearly two hours this would have had me climbing the walls in the past. Nope I sat there calm while Gary stressed Yes you heard me, calm and relaxed. Never flinched the whole journey just 2 immodium just incase J and on the way home just 1 and the journey home was over 9 hours :)  I never touched them the whole holiday  I no longer need them :)

I felt in control J
I wore my size 16 Debenhams tunic to travel in
I mindfully ate 95% of the time. The odd bit of food got inhaled but only the odd bit in fact the only secret eating I did was two choccie mini rolls J that’s it all week J The rest of the time I simply ate when hungry and stopped when full. I didn’t eat rabbit food, I didn’t have the healthiest diet in fact it included daily sandwhiches, small piece of quiche, often a few pringles (yep that’s right a few not a whole tub Mcdonalds twice, one ice cream. 3 squares of galaxy. Yep 3 piddly squares not 3 bars as its all I needed and I was satisfied

Where was Jackie??????? She was definitely there but who was this person who heard the full signal, who not once thought about food, who left food at most meals, who ate with no guilt???? Who on earth was this
I ate normal meals with my family. I went out daily to various places and made no excuses not to go ie to sit and eat secretly at home, or because I was too lazy to join them, I simply joined in. I didn’t huff and puff everywhere as I felt fitter and healthier, my tummy was pretty much 100%, I had no anxiety, no tenseness, no stress, no feeling rough all the time, lots of energy, I felt confident enough to wander round shops without the others, to walk Carla on the beach alone while the others splashed in the sea. I didn’t stress over Matt once being at home alone. I didn’t pester him constantly or check up on him. I went into the services alone I spoke to people I don’t know with ease J I often refused food that was offered me well I wasn’t hungry OMG is this me????? I cooked myself a pepperoni pizza. Took one bite and decided I really didn’t want it and left the lot a whole pepperoni pizza they all thought I’d lost my marbles I must be ill, but what was I?? Not hungry, just simply didn’t need it

I ate and drank on both journeys J like normal people do J now in the past a journey meant omg plan it all out, no food, no drink, sit tense and just can’t wait to get there. This was different I was different. I had faced my fears and won
I read two amazing books on holiday. I loved them both and felt they answered alot of my questions and showed that actually the pods do all this for us but I enjoyed reading about it all and it reinforced alot for me. The books were

Soothing the beast within: a loving path to end food addiction by Nancy Routley

and

Taking Action: 30 Specific Strategies for overcoming emotional eating by Katie M. McLaughlin





What have I learnt so far this year? Actually I know I have missed out so much but this is what I can think of at the moment


You really can eat what you want in moderation, mindfully, savour it and maintain or even lose weight J

No foods need to be banned
Food should be chewed, savoured, not inhaled
Diets don’t work
Regular exercise is not a swear word it makes you feel good
We all deserve to love and be loved for who and what we are, not who and what we wish we were J
Nothing needs to be the way its always been
There is no failure only feedback
Old habits really can be changed with time and that dreaded word ‘patience’
You really can’t teach an old dog new tricks
Needed to have faith in me
Needed to love me
I really can tell the difference between hunger and thirst
I really can stop when full and leave food on my plate its fine to do this J
Hunger is not an emergency
I am worth it
Emotions come in waves and last approx. 6 mins, so I need to try and ride that wave, feel that emotion, and move on not shove it down with food
The one minute rule works – If I crave or fancy something even if it’s a whole tub of brownies, give it one minute. Breathe in to the count of 5 and out to the count of 5 a few times. Take a bath, phone or text a friend, say an affirmation. Do I still want that whole tub? If so have it with no guilt. 95% of the time I no longer want or need it, I wanted to shove an emotion down
If I keep doing what I’ve always done I’ll keep getting what I always got
I am like a teenager in a 40+ body and can now do things for the first time as no longer have my anxieties
Fears can be faced
We can achieve anything we put our minds too
The mind is a powerful tool. It controls the body
Food is an addiction
Friendship is so important. Having people we can be open and honest with is so important. True friends are like gold dust
Inhaling food is a habit, part of the addiction, like all habits with patience and determination this habit can be broken
We reap what we sow
Losing weight is not a race. Each of our journeys is different. But we all ultimately want the same thing. A thinner healthier body and above all a healthy normal relationship with our demon ‘food’
We should set ourselves up to succeed, so one day at a time, one step at a time, not jump in with both feet and wonder why we fail
Don’t expect a miracle weightloss cure there isn’t one, it took me years to get this way so I need to wade through the issues and deal with each one at a time
Lots of tiny changes = big change
Our journeys are individual
Food does not help our emotions
Doesn’t have to be easy, just possible
I used to make constant excuses why I overate, ie don’t have time to cook healthy, I was stressed, I was on holiday, I felt tired. Now I just eat as food = fuel. Food is not your friend its your fuel. Friends are our friends
Scales lie
I am not the only one who binged, inhaled my food, turned to food, the world is full of us. I was not/am not alone

'Nothing needs to be the way its always been'

Well as the title suggests my emotions are all over the place at the moment. To be expected really with all the changes I am making. A few things came to the top to be dealt with since my last session with Lori. well a biggie came to the top. Its a biggie for me anyway. Something its time to face and deal with.  So I've been doing lots of thinking and pondering, and did turn to the biccies for help last night :( regrettably they were no help at all so I made the sensible choice and turned to Lori.

I got back for my 3rd appt on friday and I'm very excited about it. I am amazed just how much we have changed already in just 2 sessions. So session 3 is exciting.

Driving - I've driven a little and each time it felt fine, natural, no stress, no anxiety, no fear so this is fab fab fab. I haven't pushed myself yet though and this is something I am having head fights with. Do I ease myself gently and do it alone? Do I book a couple of refresher lessons so I have someone sat there for support and guidance? Answer = I simply don't know at the moment. I am still pondering. I am drawn to the book  a couple of lessons route just to see how I get on and was even drawn to a driving instructor locally so we will see. Its a case of money at the moment too.

Days out - not doing brilliantly, but will work on this. I wonder at times if its me holding myself back. Afterall I've got to make that first step haven't I?

Tummy - improving all the time :)
Eating was up and down for a few days then settled out amazingly until bicciegate last night. In some ways I am glad I experienced bicciegate as it has brought to the surface that yes I do have an emotional attachment to food still. Not binging. Not constantly. But the little monkey is still there and believe me its going its on my list.! hehehehehe. I've actually had some really fab days food wise other than this. Simply eating when hungry and stopping when full. No snacking. No thoughts of food. So I have moved on alot from the grazing binge eater of the past but want to lay my demons to rest this year and this is still one of them.

Another thing that came up was my fear/hate of swimming. I do think I know what it goes back to but of course I could be wrong as I couldn't have been more wrong with what I thought my fear of driving was.  I am an upfront person so here goes. I think it goes back to swimming as a kid. Mum never took us. We used to go to the open air pool in Rushden in the holidays. An old man there often taught kids to swim and I vaguely remember him shoving me in the deep end to prove I could do it and hearing the sound of the water as my face went under. I hate my face getting wet at swimming. I can't stand going under the water. So this is why I make this link. I could, of course, be wrong :)  I even went for lessons aged 30. I did okay I succeeded in learning to swim a length then stopped. I always thought if I had lessons I would love swimming. I don't I hate it :( I remember the instructor saying, sit on the bottom of the pool. All these ladies did and I stood there. She repeated sit on the bottom of the pool. I said 'no sorry I am 30 not a kid, I do not wish to sit on the bottom of the pool, I hate going under the water, so no' her face! I was black sheep of the group from then on but I didn't want to do it. So I didn't.

Anyone read the book - Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. Fab book love it and well worth a read. It was reading that book that started off the 'changing my life one step at a time' :) I realised I had many demons and fears and this year I was going to conquer them all :) So that is what I am doing one at a time.

Faith in me - yep I actually have some now, its growing daily, thanks to Lori :) I am beginning to love myself, to have faith in myself and thats something I had very little of in the past.

I sometimes need reminding how far I've come.  I guess thats because I know I still have so far to go, but hey I have great company and great friends to help me on this journey and its quite exciting at times seeing where it takes me.  I get annoyed at times thinking of all the years i've lived with some of my fears and issues to find that actually they can be changed quite simply, in a manner I am confortable with. Did anyone see the Katie Price programme about her awful fear of swimming. I did and loved it. She felt as I do. Cross that something so big to us can be changed so quickly. She faced her fear with Ali Campbell and got in the pool and swam. I had such a grin on my face watching her and my kids were like, why you grinning?? But I felt how fab she felt, because I've felt like that as I conquer each of my fears and issues :)

Confidence - is still increasing daily.

Choccie - I have some once in a while. Its usually one bar every 6 weeks ish. :eek: yep with the help of the choccie pod I've gone from self confessed chocoholic to eating the odd bit if I really fancy it :) woohoo! love it!

Exercise - I exercise most days with just the odd day off. I love my Leslie Sansone walk at home DVDs never be fooled by the word walk. Yep I love the fact that they are low impact ie re my knees but they are a full body workout and how I've lost alot of my baby belly. Still some there but its going. Many inches gone already hehehehehe. I also still do the TTapp step away the inches as love this one for a change :) I also walk the dog :) But remember this was the girl who was allergic to exercise. Any form of exercise. Including walking the dog ! Its now part of my life :)

Bingeing - gone :) I haven't binged since xmas. Biccie gate was nothing in comparison it was a few biccies not a binge. Not even a mini binge :)

Diet - I still do not follow a plan. 99% of the time I chose the healthy option but if I really fancy something I have it. No food is banned :)

Why not make this your year for changes too? Everyone has something they wish they could change. I had a huge list but my list is short now :) I'm on the home stretch :) and whats fab is I a) know I'll get there b) know its where I'll stay :)