a couple of posts from my online diary

I wanted to share these two posts from my online diary. Not sure why but thought they might help others too :)

Sunday

I read a few pages of the beginning of my online diary on a popular website and realised how negative and unhappy I was its quite scarey to read it as its like reading about someone else can't be me?? I am positive princess of positive as one of my friend calls me so who was that negative woman?

Who would have thought that listening to a lovely relaxing voice once a day and finding those pesky positives as I used to call them as found them so hard to find would change my life, and lead me on a very very windy journey? I mean I started this diary to lose weight didn't I. Its all that mattered then to be skinny, but then as life unfolded that wasn't the most important thing Yes I still wish to be slimmer but ultimately I wanted to be healthier, happier, more confident and live longer for my children. I wanted to learn by my Dad's fatal errors to make him proud of me. While on holiday realisation hit me. I have achieved most of this other than the skinny bit. Whats funny is I don't feel down about the non skinny bit as I look better than I did and feel heaps better than I did. and also he would be proud of me just for being me. Afterall thats what he was like. Loved us unconditionally. Even when we were awful to him at times it all bounced off and he just came back relentlessy He was one of lifes big softies and who would have wanted him any other way

SO yes I do wish to rid myself of the excess weight but I have the tools to do this slowly now. enjoying my food, being able to eat with my family and knowing how to stop. Knowing that bingeing doesn't make me happy, it doesn't deal with the emotions I was trying to shove down, it actually made me more unhappy and more of a recluse.

I really do feel I've nearly hit the point where food is simply fuel this is an amazing feeling. IF I have something like last night I had a slither of choccie cake that Matt got for us and icecream and a crunchie. But thats fine and guess what the best bit of all it was guilt free no beating myself up. Its fine. I can have it. I was hungry and I was not overstuffed. I had simply eaten until satisfied and last night I fancied the cake and the choccie. But I stopped at that and thats the thing isn't it? Old Jackie would have been mad at herself. Why did I have that? Why did I ruin my diet? ruin my week gosh I could teach her a thing or two couldn't I? I mean lets look at it sensibly how does a piece of choccie cake and icecream and a crunchie ruin her week?? thats just it she had life totally out of proportion. Her life revolved simply around food. its all she thought about and in her head there were good and bad foods, banned foods. In this Jackies life food is food. Yes of course she must eat healthily but its also fine to eat other stuff so long as doesn't eat past full

I have the tools to continue to change my life I simply have to chose to do it. Some things come naturally now some I still need to work on ie driving and swimming. I am hoping to go swimming this week. I do need a gentle nudge on this one but I do feel I can do it now, after all 'anything is possible' 'we can achieve anything we put our minds to' I just need to do that. Put my mind to it, accept things don't have to be easy, just possible. Nobody can take that step other than me so I must chose to do that. Same with the driving. I shall look at finances and see if I can book a couple of lessons. They were only £20 an hour so I am sure I can find that

I think the more I deal with my life and my mind the weight will just begin to go of its own accord as I no longer need to hold onto it for comfort do I?

Abit of old Jackie reared itself yesterday. I walked around in long black leggings all day. Boiling hot... why?? because I'm fat aren't I? but why does that really matter so much? I need to remember how far I've come and enjoy and live the life I have as I know only too well how quickly these things get snatched away I need to live life so why wander round baking and looking like a lobster just because someone else might not like what they see? I mean who really gives a monkeys what they think?? food for thought eh. Its abit of that when I lose weight all will be perfect attitude isn't it? but will it? I need to make those changes too as I am for it to be anywhere near perfect. or i'd just be skinny and unhappy.

So positives

I ate whatever I fancied and stopped when full, most of it healthy fuel

I ate without guilt without a thought, I simply ate

I feel as a family we are getting on better because I am a far nicer person and not a stress head anymore

Gary's Mum popped in for a cuppa unheard of but shows how far shes come

I have faith in me

I am more confident

Charlie has a party at 11 today. I would have been dreading it, anxious, what will people think of me, today I am fine about it, I don't care what they think. I am me, I am who I am, they can like or lump it, thats fine

I am calmer

I have the tools to continue to change my life for the better and plan to do just that

I realise just how important friendship is I appreciate and love each and everyone of you

Friendship is a two way street and you've all shown me so much how much you genuinally care about how I am and how I am doing and you always pick me up when I falter and remind me how far I've come

I love and approve of myself



Monday

today I am wearing a skirt a monsoon size 18 and its not down to my ankles and a vest top. Now I am very much out of my comfort zone and keep wondering whether to go and change, and guess I may just do that in a minute but I got up put it on and didn't feel sick looking at myself in the mirror. Yes I'm still big but my arms are better than they were and so is the rest of me so I am going to try to face this awful fear and wear it today weather permitting as not looking fab. I also have a lipoma on mid top of my back and I've hidden it since the oesteopath pointed it out to me as big so this is quite a biggie for me. Its domed but flat so I notice it more than others but its there and its visable., but today I am trying to not care what people think I got toothpaste down the top and its still there despite baby wipes making it look leaky I knew if I took it off I would not succeed. This is the year to make those changes to face all these bleddy demons and beat the wotsit out of each one so nearly achieved this one, mind you its something I need to do again and again to help me overcome that awful 'want to cover myself up bit' I have horrid white veiny, spider veiny legs. Not nice. Horrid, Always hidden them but why? I mean who the heck stands or lays on the floor and looks at my legs that close. Yep they get a glimpse but do they really stare? Not really its all in my head isn't it? I feel so self conscious same about the lump on my back, but its me, its how I am, I can't easily change it so why shouldn't I wear nice clothes? Why hide in leggings and make myself feel worse, I need to hold that head high and show what I am made of and today I did just that. I won't pretend it was easy. OMG I wanted to hide in my jacket. OMG I felt the world had binoculars out and were saying 'OMG look at that mutton dressed as lamb' but I did it and I will do it again

It was funny yesterday they all went out I was home alone and not really wanting to do the jobs I should have been doing, food became a thought. A thought I didn't want or need as I simply wasn't hungry but the thoughts were popping up like they used to 'what can I have' 'shall I have choccie' 'mmm what do I want' but deep down I knew actually I don't want any, I am not hungry and I am basically stalling doing what I should be doing, so what shall I do to remove these pesky thoughts? mmmm so I rang my lovely friend, it worked a treat and as ever this lovely friend helped me through an iffy patch which actually shes done several times in the past too hit a low and shes always there for me friends like this really are like gold dust, but I must be ultra lucky in life as I have several just like that always there to pick me up and remind me how far I have come to lovely friends xxxxx

Positives

I went to the party held my head high felt a little uncomfortable at first but it passed and I helped and nattered with people I didn't really know

I enjoyed most of it

I was the only one that said thankyou afterwards

I never had brekkie but didn't go mad at lunch ate it mindfully and stopped when full

Tea was 8pm we decided to have a last mcdonalds. Gary got home and half missing so they shared it all out as too far to go back and I gave up mine to Gary and had half a portion of chips, a coffee and then made myself a Jacket potato and cheese and the best bit it didn't bother me, after all it was food and food is fuel OMG is this me?? I mean would old Jackie have done this not sure

I had choccie thoughts after tea, but they stayed just that 'a thought' a thought I was able to change and reason with. why? I wasn't hungry and I didn't 'need' it. So I didn't have it. I could have done, but I chose not to

Charlie just said if I love her I'm to keep this out fit on as I look pretty

I realise thoughts are just that thoughts and they can be changed if we remain positive

I have confidence

I am calm

I am happy

I love and approve of myself