Friday, 4 April 2014

its nearly Easter Again!

Yet another long gap between blogs I am sorry.  I've been sorting my head out with the lovely Sandra. We finally got to the bottom of it.  My turning to food for everything went right back to when I was a very little girl.  Its been quite an experience but finally we have got to the bottom of what was going on in my head.

Food was comfort. Not fuel. Not something I ate because hungry it made me feel better. So food has played an enormous part in my life for over 40 years!!

So suddenly all that had gone (eek!) It felt like someone had emptied my head and zapppp! thats it... it was the most weird feeling I've ever experienced. I celebrated with some chocolate biscuits, but as I was eating them it was like 'What's this all about I'm not hungry'! oooooerrr - going to the biscuits was simply a knee jerk reaction.

I've spent years with food as my best friend. Suddenly its like I'm Jackie no mates. Food isn't my friend. Its fuel.  The last few days have been an eye opener. Often not hungry until lunch. Opening the fridge making something healthy, leaving some on my plate and the same at tea time.  I've not had 100% healthy at every meal but I am eating a lot lot less. The pull just isn't there. Its just food.

In this past week or so the difference has been astounding. No chocolate. No biscuits. No crisps. That 'feeling' has gone.

Easter - whats the big deal. A couple of things really. In the past I'd be depressed in the lead up to Easter in quite a big way. My Dad died just after Easter 9 years ago this year. Very suddenly. Out like a light. He had just turned 60 :( My world fell apart and my eating and feelings just spiralled out of control. It was an awful time.

Food made me feel better. Food gave me comfort. Food gave me the love I wanted.

So normally from March till just after 16th April (anniversary of his passing) I'd eat rubbish constantly as it made me feel better. Or I believed it did.

I used to buy Cadbury Easter Eggs because 'they were on offer' ready for Easter. I'd then eat one or two a day, hide the evidence in drawers, jiffy bags, tucked under shelves, to dispose of when everyone was at work or school.  I'd then replace the Easter eggs. I would get through loads and nobody ever knew what I did. I'd do the same with chocolate and crisps. Hiding the evidence in my work drawers as work at home, sellotaping chocolate wrappers up in envelopes so nobody could see what was in them and bin them :( Awful.

I bought my Easter Eggs today and we are right into April.  I took them all and hid them in my wardrobe for the Easter Bunny. Charlie is 10 and believes there is an Easter bunny and reminded me he will be bringing her eggs and presents soon ! eek! realisation easter bunny has no eggs yet! So I did a quick Asda shop and they came today. Do remind me he also needs a present or two :) I'll forget you see.

My wardrobe is full of cadburys. I'm not tempted.  Its like someone has flicked this switch. I am free. Free from the food demons I've fought for 40 years.

Just under two weeks ago I found a  pair of old work trousers I used to wear. Size 18. I decided that would be my next goal.  No ' I will be a size 18' by a date. I am just going to find one item at a time, when I can wear it, goal reached.  When I can wear it find the next one.  So I tried them on about 10 days ago. OMG couldn't pull them up my thighs, only a bit.  Yesterday they fell out my wardrobe so thought I'd try again. I can pull them up but a few inches of belly needs to go before I can do them up but massive difference in 10 days! I am really quite excited now.

The pair of jeans I got back into a few weeks ago are now baggier, quite lose in places.

My eating has totally changed. I just eat what I fancy which is often extremely healthy foods, not always, and stop when full. Others sit and eat cake, biccies choccies and if not hungry it has no pull anymore. Its like a new world to me. I am finally letting the Slimpods do their job as there is no longer an emotional attachment to food. At first it felt like I'd lost my best friend as I didn't know what to do with myself :( I felt quite lost but now it feels absolutely blooming amazing and I am so excited what the rest of the year holds for me :)