Back in control

I had another session with Lori last Friday. We worked on my beliefs. I didn't believe I could ever be a size 12-14, but I do now.

and ...... I drove there and back! For the first time. No nerves, no panic, no feeling, just drove!! I can't tell you how good it felt and I was just so proud of myself.

In fact as the week has progressed I am feeling more and more determined and in control.

I've sorted out the larder. It was a mess. Now I know what food I need to buy and what I have and have been looking at recipes to try new foods. Time to try some new ideas. We tend to, like many people, eat the same meals. Most are healthy but I am just bored of it all.

This week I plan to try quinoa. Not sure what I will make of it but I plan to try a minimum of one new food per week. :) I love cooking and I am finding I am making time to make the effort rather than use convenience foods like I used to a few years ago.

Recently we tried patty pan squash. Certainly not a favourite. Nothing wrong with it but no taste as such and watery. Same with yellow courgettes. But added to my homemade chilli they are lush. Really bulk it out with veggies and these two really make it :)

I've been walking more again. I'd let it slip a little. I plan this coming week to get the treadmill out and use it at least 3 times :) I will let you know if I succeed.

I also plan to up my fruit and veg intake. I eat both but could do better.  I bought the Hairy Bikers cookbook a few weeks ago and there are a few yummy recipes that I'd like to try. It was only £5 in the Book People.  I don't follow any diet plan and have no intentions of ever following a diet again but one of my aims was to eat healthier and we are doing that more and more now. Yes we have the odd McDonalds but generally I cook from scratch these days.

I also tried wholewheat pasta. I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed it. It doesn't go stodgy like normal pasta does at times. I also tried a blueberry muffin in Costa (giggles) well one has to try these new foods don't they! It was lush. melted in my mouth and funnily enough had it as breakfast as I remained full until lunchtime :) I am rather partial to a Costa coffee and one opened in Rushden recently.

So this week I will be hopefully trying some new recipes, upping the exercise, ie treadmill and trying new foods :)

I feel really determined, in control, calm, positive and so much more confident. When I started this journey I was a stresshead. I shouted like a fisherwoman at the kids and constantly felt wound up like a coil. I rarely feel stressed at all now, and remain calm most of the time. I smile more. My confidence is at around 90%. I have faith in myself for the first time in years.  I was the most negative person but I am so much more positive now.

I feel bloated at the moment, I have no idea what I weigh as no longer jump on the scales daily. No longer interested.  I got into a pair of Next trousers that didn't fit at all a few weeks ago so despite feeling bloated I've lost inches or pounds from somewhere as they fit lovely and i've worn them a few times now.

So the journey continues. Its been quite a year, so many achievements, so many fears faced, and more to come :)

ever feel like giving up?

Well that's how I felt yesterday.

Yesterday was a 'different day'

Its the first time in many months I just wanted to give up.

How can one go from brimming with confidence, positivity , feeling slim, feeling amazing to rock bottom in 20 seconds??? I'll tell you SCALES!!! blooming SCALES!!!

Nope wasn't going to weigh had no intention infact, but had a parcel to weigh and blooming things won't weigh just the parcel so had to weigh and then weigh holding the parcel. I was quite happy to weigh as was 150% sure of a loss, I mean my eating has changing so much in the last 22 days. So on I got 15.6 1/2!!!! Last time I weighed a month ago I was 15:1. ok got off as it hurt. Got on again yep 15 6 1/2 !!!! It was a slap in the face. So I reasoned with myself I had clothes on so take 1-2 lb off, I had eaten brekkie and had a few coffees maybe another 2 but that would still be above what I was last time I weighed  I was gutted beyond gutted.

So thats how one can go from brimming with confidence, feeling slimmer, feeling on top of the world to rock bottom in 20 seconds  that simple.

I decided I'd rise above it. I felt good Saturday so I could feel good Sunday couldn't I? nope  it didn't work that way this little voice in my head said 'foods the answer you need choccie' I ignored it as long as I could in fact managed until about 1pm. I was proud of that, but this bleddy voice got louder and louder so I had crisps, but I wanted choccie, I tried more crisps but I wanted choccie , this is how it went on. I now feel so bloated and my trousers are so tight I feel I'll burst  

Will I be weighing again anytime soon? no I won't! I hate the scales and they simply hate me. I mean how can a girl put on weight when shes eaten 3 sensible meals a day for 22 days. 5 were iffy days but I don't mean binge days not by a long run, just didn't eat as mindfully. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Scales have been hidden again. I don't know where they are and quite frankly they can sod off as I hate them more than ever!! My life was good until they briefly popped in to say hi. My life was wonderful in fact, I felt amazing, I felt so slim and happy but that number ruined my day, made me feel useless all over again, made me feel a whale!

So yesterday was not a good day at all. In fact I felt lower than lower and quite frankly I just wanted to give in, turn to food , and inhale for the next few days. Thats how bad I felt. But today I've woken up, listened to my pods, made a peppermint tea to calm my bloated tummy. Going to drink extra water today and hope this bloat goes as its awful. Taking Charlie to school and coming home and will do a few mins on the treadmill before I work. So thats me. I've dusted myself down, picked myself up (and believe me I didn't want to get up) and I will do this, somehow I will get through this and complete this journey.

In fact I am back from school, I've been on the treadmill and managed 30 mins. I took my frustration out on the treadmill and feel much better for it! lol

So today is a bright new sun shiney day, and I can do this !

 

Diets Don't Work

While away I took my kindle and did lots of reading in the evenings. I read a book 'Diets Don't Work' by Dr. Bob Schwartz.  On completing the book I had a lightbulb moment - this is effectively what the pods are doing for me but I've been fighting them for 10 months. My diet head always kicked in trying to get me to chose the healthy option etc etc. Mindful Eating. :) This is the way forward and of course my slimpod :)

So I set about rethinking.  I now set my alarm 20 mins early and listen to my slimpod 'Drop two dress sizes' and my 'fit pod' before I get up, I then listen to the choccie pod as I get dressed. I find doing this sets me up for day.

So I am on day 20 of mindful eating and podding. Hows it going? I have been keeping a score. Yesterday ended in a score of 14 to me 5 to the diet head.  So today is day 20 and I'd like to make that 15-5 :D

On those five days that the diet head kicked in there was a pattern looking back I noticed ie eating meals late as busy etc, and then a friend pointed out carbs. Yes each of these 5 days I had toast for breakfast and jacket potatoes for lunch or tea. So start the day with carbs seems to affect my eating later on as I crave more rubbish than on normal mixed eating days. So now I can see two triggers I shall see how I get on.

In the book Diets Don't Work its suggested 2-3 months to really get into mindful eating and I can see why as its harder than I ever thought but , and its a big but the cravings do seem far far far less and on most days non existant as I am listening to my body, eating what I fancy, and pleased to say that most meals are really healthy and balanced because I want to not feel I should :)

At first I wished I'd just relaxed into the pods in the first place, just let them do their job rather than fight and test them constantly, but looking back and with reflection perhaps I needed to go through this stage to really see what works, just how well the pods work, just how much they have changed my thinking and doing.

I have never regretted for one minute any of this journey. If I look back to the Jackie of this time last year and compare her to the Jackie of now, goodness there are just such huge huge differences.   First of all they pulled me from a dark deep hole. I was like a mouse, a hermit.  Then after several weeks of listening I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it really was a eurika moment for me. I can clearly remember emailing Sandra and telling her how much better I felt, how I didn't realise had low I had sunk until I saw that light and felt so much better.  Alot began to change when I began listening to the Confidence pod back in middle of January. Little subtle changes that when I looked back were amazing. Slowly my confidence returned.  I'd look  back and think 'did I do that' 'oh my goodness did I say that?' On walks I'd realise I no longer had my back bent with head right down looking at the floor avoiding peoples faces and stares. I held my head high, stepped it out and had a smile on my face. It was so liberating to notice and I began to feel alive. Really alive.

I'd say my confidence was pretty much zero.  Now today I'd say its 90%. I feel amazing. I really do feel that the world is my oyster.

Listening to the pods for several months got me into exercising daily (okay for me its been mainly walking but thats got me out and about again something I simply wasn't doing). I always joked I was allergic to exercise but now I hate it if I've not been out walking. If I don't go out I walk indoors with Leslie Sansome. I love her DVDs but have to admit lately I'm walking outdoors twice a day and loving it and feeling better for it, and Leslie is getting dusty.  But she will I am sure be used again on cold winter days :)

The pods gave me back the confidence and made me want to make some pretty drastic changes in my life. I wanted to go out and about again, go shopping with my family, go on day trips, not feel tense and nervous in the car, go swimming, I just wanted a normal family life back again. So I started seeing Lori and so much is changing and continues to change. I have been shopping with my daughter and mother in law, I've been going swimming and enjoying it, I've been talking to people I don't know, I've not felt tongue tied if the teacher approaches me at school, I've been building my kids' confidence up, I am calmer, I am so positive, I am happier, I feel alive !

Yep I'm still in my size 18's that I got into at the end of May but I've dealt with so so much, and haven't put on weight. I feel slimmer, I feel healthier, and I am sure now that I am out and about more and making so many changes the weight will begin to shift again.  Cognitive hypnotherapy is amazing. It really really works. Yet its so simple. I so wish I'd done all this years ago.  So I shall continue podding, walking and mindful eating and see what the next few months bring for me.

If you are ever in any doubt about slimpods, wipe away that doubt, grab a slimpod and put a happy real smile back on your face. They make you feel good, they give you back your self esteem, you lose weight and inches effortlessly, its just becomes second nature.  All you have to do is listen daily, set those goals and find those positives :)

In the early days I used to call them pesky positives as I found them so very hard to find. Afterall I'd lived with negativity for years.  Now I love my positives and i'm such a positive person. I look at everything differently. Even a bad food day is no longer the end of the world. Yes I get disappointed but then I sit and work it all out and consider it a lesson learnt. Trevor says two things that I love and live by 'nothing has to be easy just possible' and 'there is no failure only feedback'.  I live my life this way now. I can do anything I put my mind to, I do them as and when I feel ready and sometimes I need a little shove in the right direction but I can do this!  Blips are blips and lessons to learn they are no longer the end of the world or a failure. They are simply blips. :)

Shopping

So yesterday I went shopping! Shopping Shopping. Not online shopping. Not dash to town and get home fast shopping, but Shopping Shopping :)

I haven't been shopping for many years due to my ibs and anxieties. They ruled my life. The more I let them the worse it got. To the point I simply stayed home as much as I could. I was Queen of excuses, and backed out of most trips and events with one excuse or another :(  This year I've been facing my fears one at a time and yesterday was testing out shopping.

We had a fab time. I took Charlie and Gary's Mum. The boys went to watch Cobblers and dropped us in Northampton and picked us up afterwards. We wandered round the shops and market and had a lovely time. In fact the time went so quickly.! Charlie loved shopping. Goodness me that girl would have spent hundreds given the chance ! She had no concept of money just wanted everything cool that she saw!  Next time she will be given money in a purse and can decide what to spend it on!

I even had the confidence to go to Marks & Spencers for a bra fitting. It was rubbish. None even remotely fitted despite the bra fitter insisting they did and I should get them. She kept on and I kept pointing out where it gaped or overhung. In the end I politely told her i'd had enough and wouldn't be buying any and I left. I was astounded I found the confidence to do this. In the past I'd have bought one just to get out of there and never worn it, but yesterday I was firm but polite telling her they did not fit I did not want them. I have to say I was terribly disspointed in the service received and certainly won't be going back to M&S for a fitting. So I still need to deal with this and will probably go back and try Debenhams next as heard good reviews about their service.

So I went shopping, I enjoyed it, I had no ibs, no anxiety, no panic, no nothing. I felt calm, I felt confident, I felt normal :)

swimming, driving and confidence

Well I went swimming again last night and enjoyed it :) Thats the 2nd time I have been since dealing with my fear of the water :) it was lovely. I need to work on my actual swimming as I'm not brilliant but its nice to go and relax and enjoy it for the first time in my life :) I had no fear at all of the water. I didn't mind my ears and face getting wet. I had tonnes more confidence and yet again went alone :)

When I got there the car park was full. My first thought was go home again, forget it, but then its like I got a gentle nudge, go find somewhere else to park so I did just that :) It was busier than the first time I went. In the past something like this would have freaked me out and made me anxious but I felt calm and in control :)

Again I drove down there and already dark. I thought nothing of it , I just drove :) It felt normal :)

Today I realised just how much more confidence I have :) I met a lovely lovely lady for coffee today who I had never met.  In the past I wouldn't have done this and certainly wouldn't have been the one to arrange it. I was queen of making excuses to stay home. :( I was terrible. Today I had no nerves, I felt calm, smiley and confident. We had a lovely coffee and a natter and I left smiling and feeling so good inside :)

changes

Thought I'd do a little update in general

I have realised suddenly that I constantly fought the pods most of the time without realising. ie rather than eating what I fancied and savouring it I was thinking should I have this? shouldn't really have that? constantly, so that diet head was really still there wasn't it? That mentality of good and bad foods, foods we should and shouldn't eat, but actually if we tune into our bodies our bodies know what we need and do a very very good job.

So I've been working on this for the past few days. I have noticed that by doing just that, eating what I fancy, savouring each mouthful rather than inhaling it, concentrating just on eating, I am eating far far less, enjoying my food far far more, and not having cravings for anything.

I also have stopped writing down everything I eat. After all thats diet head isn't it? A naturally thin person doesn't log every morsel they eat in a note book, scruntanise the contents of the notebook and work out what they should or shouldn't have eaten do they? They just eat. They enjoy their food and they eat. If they want a donut or a bar of chocolate they have it. If they are full half way through they leave it. It really really is that simple. Do you know what I've found? I eat healthy naturally most of the time and I have the odd thing that would of in the past been a banned food, a bad food, but it isn't anymore and by having what my body craves and needs I no longer want to stuff my face, to binge, to inhale my food, I am enjoying my food, tasting my food, savouring my food, and I am far far far happier for it.

Last night I had a McDonalds. No guilt. I enjoyed it and I ate every bit of it too. I did leave abit of the lettuce but thats it :) I ate with my family and enjoyed my meal, and didn't beat myself up afterwards as its okay to eat McDonalds sometimes.

I've also noticed that I drink more fluids suddenly too. Its like I fancy something, go to the kitchen and come back with a drink :) So all is good.

I haven't weighed myself since 18th August. Anyone that knows me will realise this is a biggie for me. I was a serial scale hopper. Awful. I let the scales reflect my mood, I let them put me into self sabbotage mode, I let them rule my life.  I have no idea where our scales are and haven't been in the least bit bothered about finding them. I am going to judge how I am doing by my clothes :)  I will weigh occassionally. Perhaps when I drop a size but thats it. I feel free! I feel I've finally let them go and believe me its liberating.

This journey started off as a weight loss journey big time but ended up very much 'change my life a step at a time'. I've achieved so much this year that may not be visible on the surface but its changed and makes my life better, happier, more positive every day.

The slimpods started all this off for me :) without them I wouldn't be feeling positive , happy, confident, I'd be Jackie the mouse. Jackie that stayed in all the time and didn't do anything. Jackie that shut herself away.  Gradually Jackie is emerging, Shes gradually going out and about more, going swimming, just generally feeling happier and having the confidence to do things. This Saturday Charlie and I are going shopping :) Whats the big deal you may ask? The big deal is I've not been shopping shopping for years and years and years literally. Why? Not sure. I suddenly began to hate anything like that, to prefer to shop on line and hide away whenever I could, but I want to go shopping. So we don't have any money so it will be mainly window shopping but we are having a few girlie hours out together this Saturday while the boys are at footy. :) woohoo!

How do I feel about it ? Fine :) In fact I'm rather looking forward to it.

I also noticed I can go swimming Tuesday or Thursday evening this week. And I'm planning to do just that :)

Its amazing how suddenly one can look back and notice the changes. See all the little things coming together to make enormous things :) Its simply amazing. I love the pods, I  have loved the one to one sessions too.  Never feel you have to live the life you are living if you are unhappy with something. Don't be stuck indoors hiding and do nothing about it. Help is out there and its actually such a simple process that you will, like me, wonder why you left it so long to do something about it. I get angry at times thinking of the years i spent feeling this way, the years I was too scared to go swimming, my terrible fear of driving, my zero confidence, my low self esteem, my ibs, my zero faith in me. Yet in a relatively short space of time all that is changing :) I love it :)  Lifes for living so lets live it ! I've found out that life is too short to live this way, its too short to put it all off until another day, it really can be taken from you just like that. I want to live a happy, positive, confident , healthy life and slowly but surely I am achieving it :)