Saturday, 23 March 2013

stressful few weeks and not put any weight on

Well I've had a very stressful few weeks. Chris's leg didn't heal after 5 months in cast so he went in on Wednesday to have a rod and pins in it. It was a real shock to us all just how big an operation it was and how much pain hes been in since bless him.

I am astounded as from my side so many positives

1)  I have remained pretty calm
2) I've been able to chat calmly to him when hes distressed
3) I have a real hospital phobia, can't stand the places or the smell of them yet I've been in twice a day and been totally fine, no panicks, no nothing just been going there to see him
4) I've not emotionally eaten. In fact I've found I've simply eaten what I fancied when hungry and stopped when I'm full. I've been offered food from all angles and turned it down. In fact hubby made a passing comment about me turning aneorexic yesterday as he noticed I wasn't eating that much! hehehehe me, as if!! He can't get the concept that if full and satisfied I simply don't want something even if its something I love
5) I measured after 2 months of regular TTapp. I did the 14 consecutive days and i've stuck with every other day religiously ever since. I've actually lost 17 3/4 inches from where I measure. I also know I've lost more than that ie neck, round the middle, places I don't measure :) I love TTapp as much as I love my slimpods :) now thats saying something
6) Even on my difficult days I've found positives and each time I look back I find more and more I didn't notice, or others point out to me
7) I've not used this stress etc to stop me doing the exercise. In the past exercise was the first thing I'd stop!
8) I've not been a choccie or crisp monster, in fact this week i've not really thought about food in that way. I've just thought 'mmmm I'm hungry what do I fancy' and had that. Simples!
9) I had sweet potato as a jacket potato the other evening. OMG loved it. So simple yet so yummy
10) I've been having a 40 min brisk walk with Carla most lunchtimes
11)I am wearing a top today that was so tight at Christmas I cried :) today it fits nicely :)

I have my days where I feel the old Jackie tries to come back. I have days when I wonder why I did something or why did I have to eat 3 packets of crisps. But you know they really are just 'different days' I'm not bingeing, far from it, in fact I eat so much less but I have hungrier pickier days, thats fine, its actually 'normal'. :)

I've lost all those inches and my weight has remained the same!  Hysterical really! I find the scales a bit of joke these days. Yet OMG I used to be obsessed with them.  They are no longer a tool I require. They are pretty useless. As something is happening. I don't binge. I don't graze all day. I am no longer a chocoholic. I'm healthier. I'm happier. I have confidence again. I exercise ! Slowly all those awful ingrained habits are going one by one. They are all habits. Some just take longer to break than others.

I've faced alot of demons really this last 15 months. I still have a few to face but will slowly deal with them.  I had a pretty bad day on Tuesday. Someone mentioned a 5k race. Can walk it. Was I going? I fell apart! How crazy is that? Well my mind made a match back to a 5k race I signed up for a few years ago to make my Dad proud. He'd died a couple of years before (been 8 years at easter).  I had panick attacks and had to pull out. I was gutted. I knew I wasn't ready to do it, but backing out had it price to pay. I felt a failure again. I'd let my Dad down. I'd let alot of people down. Over the years I buried that deep, but talking about it let the flood gates open, big time. I sobbed my heart out.  But actually I feel better for it now. I needed to let go of it. I'd held onto it for years and it was silly really looking back. Why would he not be proud of me. Look what I've achieved the last few months?

I think sometimes I read into 'different days' too much. I panick incase old Jackie is back. Incase i'm letting old habits come back, but I don't think I am. I think everyone has different days. They just don't dwell on them and let them rule the next few days. They just accept and move on. This is something that I can do most of the time, but guess get caught out occassionally.

This week I do truely believe diet head has gone :) Yes I am still overweight. Yes my BMI is still too high!   But I am happier, healthier, more confident than i've been in years and it will just continue to slowly improve.  The tortoise always wins.  Those that rush to that finish line so often ping back again.  When I cross that finish line I'll know, and I'll be staying there :D

I've not dieted at all with the slimpods. It doesn't work for me. I don't want to ban a food. I don't want to restrict myself. When I started podding I told myself I'd never diet again and I won't. I have to accept that by making that decision I'm not going to drop weight fast, but this for me is a lifestyle change. This is how I want to live the rest of my life. Not a fad. :)

Thats why I am doing exercise I like. Exercise I am comfy with. Exercise that fits in with my lifestyle. TTapp does that. Walking does that. In fact TTapp has strengthened my back, more core, my neck and my posture OMG its amazing. I naturally walk straight (ie no duck feet!) and walk tall. No hunched shoulders. This has had such an amazing impact on me. No backache. No neckache. Less headaches. You name it :) I love the fact no leaping around. Easy to do at home, yet it works every muscle.  The inches drop off and all I need to do is find 15 mins to do it. I feel more alert too. They call it the mind body workout and it is :)  I always remember when I paid out for the TTapp DVD I thought 'is this another gimick that I won't do' at first it was. But since starting it properly 21st January I love it.  I love how it makes me feel afterwards and I love my shape changing.

Fed up of binge eating? Fed up of failing at diets? Then this is the answer :) Its given me back so much. I feel alive again I really do.  I've stuck with it through the tough times, and I'm sure I'll have a few more, but I'm not giving in, as these pods work. They change ingrained habits, but you have to give them the chance to :)

Thursday, 14 March 2013

The Chocolate Pod

Does it work? OH YES!!

2 years ago I was a chocoholic. I was terrible. Usually Cadburys with the odd Galaxy bar thrown in !

I swear I kept Cadburys afloat!

2 Easters ago I was doing the usual.  Buy about 15-20 eggs. All Cadburys of course , with the excuse I never buy cheap chocolate, when really its the only chocolate I liked!  I would sit down to work and devour one or two eggs. I'd then flat pack the boxes and chop up the plastic packaging if there was any and hide it.  In my drawers, under the bed, in jiffy bags in the office . I'd then dispose of them on dustbin collection day so nobody knew and replace the eggs. I was terrible. It really was an addiction. If I went into the newsagent I'd buy several bars, hiding them in my desk , eating them in secret, never sharing them, again disposing of the evidence secretly.

Last Easter I bought the usual heap of eggs. I didn't have any at all. I think I had one over Easter week that was bought for me :D

This Easter I bought 16 eggs over 4 weeks ago. They are all still sat there, I've not had any and they don't call my name. I see them every day. They are in my sight :)

I don't hate chocolate.  I still like it sometimes. When I fancy it I have it. I also share it :) I no longer hide the packaging as often its not me that has that last one :)

I can go in the newsagents and buy no chocolate even if I wander up and down that isle. Its got no pull anymore unless I just happen to fancy some.

still feel fab!

Still feeling fab :) Had a sleepless night the night before last. In the past that meant a binge. Yesterday I was picky but it wasn't picky for the sake of eating it was picky eating when hungry things like a bananna, pretzels, a bacon chiabatta for tea. Lazy food but only eaten when hungry and stopping when full! Yes thats right, normal eating!

It still feels strange to eat normally without giving it a thought. My eating over the last 30 years has been dire and its totally changed.

I am still trying new foods and today had avocado for the first time. Well actually I tried it years ago but had decided prior to eating it that I wouldn't like it and didn't hehehehehe. today I mushed it with some lime juice, spread it on seeded toast (one slice rather than the old 3 or 4 slices (eek!) ) and topped it with cherry tomatoes and crispy bacon!  It wasn't the easiest thing to eat but it was filling and yummy! The dog sat and waited for the bits of bacon to drop on the floor!

Today was a day off TTapp as doing it every other day but with Charlie home ill i'm not getting my fresh air and brisk walk at lunchtimes so I was itching to exercise ! yes thats right, I was itching to exercise (eek again!) so I did my TTapp step away the inches which is 2 miles and did 100% of it and enjoyed it and feel better for it :)

Something has definately changed. No obessing, no worrying what I should and shouldn't have, I have confidence, I feel positives, I feel in control, I feel calm when I have so much negative stuff going on in my life at the moment. In the past this would have been my ticket to bingeing and stress.  This time I take each negative and find its positive. A negative can only remain a negative for so long once you start to analyise each negative you soon find a positive for it :)

I had the confidence yesterday to ring the hospital about Chris's pending operation and in fact had to ring lots of departments until I got the right person.  Old Jackie would have hated this and got tongue tied or given up at the first voice mail :) new Jackie just dealt with it easily and confidently. In fact I never gave it a thought until I looked back at my day :)

I have been reading a lovely blog.  Old Jackie would never have looked at blogs like this as all fresh healthy recipes. But Ella's recipes are amazing :) I can't wait to make her sweet potato brownies.  I love trawling through the recipes getting new ideas and trying out the new foods.  Its amazing how changing your diet can help so many illnesses. One of my current ways of thinking is cutting out more and more processed foods. We've cut out loads already but I continue to try new foods and ideas.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

I am normal!!! hehehehehehe

hmmmm just a very quick ramble as work to do and mustn't procrastinate hehehehehe

I feel i've let go of something big in the last few days. I think in my head I always thought with becoming skinny everything would be perfect? Does that makes sense? ie being a size 12/14 would make me happy, confident, positive etc etc etc the list is endless. Everything revolved around a size/weight?

I let go of that this last week. I accepted that actually that wasn't true. Being slim doesn't make someone confident, happy, positive etc etc. Being slim just makes them slim thats it. I accepted that and let go of my obsession with a size or weight. I've had an amazing week. I feel a different woman? Why? Because I've spent 14 months facing my demons, working hard on 'me' and you know what ? I am feeling amazing! I feel confident. I can hold my head high. I have a real smile. I exercise daily. I eat normally. I feel good inside. Yep I'm still a size 18/20 but I feel fab!

The rest will come. I continue to set myself mini size goals. My latest is to fit into a comfortable size 18 outfit which is hanging up for the end of March. My next goal will be comfortable size 16 outfit for middle-end May. So my mind has a focus and knows what I want, the rest is just about living.

I thought about it alot lately. I set out to be healthier (tick - done - and still tweaking and improving this), I set out to live longer (I am hopefully achieving this), I set out to be normal around food - done Smile, no bingeing - done, to have some self esteem - done, to smile a real smile - done, To love myself - getting there. To feel fitter - improving daily, work in progress but thats fine, its what its all about.

I am no longer obsessing. By not obsessing = no pink elephant syndrome! The more I obsessed the worse my eating got, it was like a cycle.  I was encouraging 'different days' by obssessing over them. My lovely friend Dawn, wrote about pink elephants. This post has really given me food for thought and helped me to move on  Dawn's blog is well worth a read there are some fab posts on there many of which have really helped me to put life back into perspective. To see it rationally and not just this tunnel vision of losing weight.  There are several posts on Dawn's blog that gave me lightbulb moments. I've had a lot of lightbulb moments with discussions with Dawn lately. Also Sandra at Thinking slimmer. Giving me that focus. Never giving up on me.  Showing me I am worth it!  I can do it! I really can. Neither let me give up. Each time I hit a hurdle they both jumped in and held my hand and showed me there was a way through it. I can never thank people enough for all they have done for me.

It was that realisation that I was actually normal around food. It was fine to eat 3 packets of crisps if I so wanted them, some people size 10 do this sometimes. I wasn't do it daily anymore just sometimes, so thats fine. You know what since that realisation they have no pull

I no longer weigh 3 times a day after each wee just incase I've lost an ounce! I actually no longer weigh affraid I was obsessed over the scales too. Allowed them to decide my mood for the day . They no longer can as I no longer use them Smile You know what if I could bottle how this realisation has made me feel I'd be rich very rich. Being a size 10, a size 12 doesn't give you any of that, you do. You can feel that way at any size its simply your perception on things. Ingrained habits. I've let go of mine and I'm 500% sure that I will reach my goals. Yes I am calling them goals, I hate goals because in the past I've always failed but you see I can't fail now can I? I've simply set a focus and I'm heading in that direction.  Anything is possible. There is no failure only feedback. I really can achieve anything I put my mind to.  I have set time scales as guidelines and my mind knows what I want and my mini goals are getting me there as they are imminent. They are meaningful, and I'm in the driving seat . I am in control of food and it really is no longer in control of me Smile OMG its taken me 16 months to reach this point and I've set myself back so many times but not anymore.

I am going to live and enjoy my life. I can't allow weight, food, all that rubbish to take over or I won't be living will I? I'll just be existing allowing food, the scales to determine my life and how I lead it. Thats not for me anymore. I've changed that life and its for the better. I'm living it, loving it, and lifes for living. Losing my Dad so young taught me that. We never know whats round that corner, he didn't forsee it , we didn't but it was gone in the blink of an eye and i'm not spending the rest of mine worrying about a number that someone else in their wisdom decided was the right number for so many people of all different builds! Food for thought isn't it?

By obsessing about losing weight I wasn't losing it. It all just got into this mix up in my head. The pods, my sessions with Hashani, my downloads have given me a new perspective on life. They've helped me to change so much and continue to. I've dropped 4 sizes so far with no diet. No plan, no calorie counting, no points, no syns, and as Trevor would say 'its inevitable I will get there' it really is, I just have to sit back and enjoy my life and let them work their magic in the back ground because I've made those changes I just couldn't see the wood for the trees. It was only looking back and reflecting that showed me the enormity of what I have achieved. How far I have come. Its fantastic!