I have had a lot of stress since my first appointment and found myself back in the crisp drawer :( I don't like this one bit. I don't over eat though as on days I turned to crisps I simply couldn't eat tea. Where as in the past I'd have eaten rubbish all day plus my meals.
I had my second appointment with Lori on Friday.
I got the bus there and back! This was a huge achievement for me as one of the things I went to see Lori about was travelling. I was able to halve my tablet intake for this journey too :) So big improvements already. I was also confident enough to ask the bus driver to stop at the stop I have to get off without pressing the button as I was a little unsure and he was lovely.
We chatted about how I had been since the appt the week before and I explained I hadn't been out driving. So Lori suggested I start with journeys I had done before and was reasonably comfortable doing to see if it felt any different.
I then explained that I seemed to be backtracking a little and reaching for the crisp drawer. So before I knew it we were on a journey to find out why. I was given a list that I cannot remember but it included emotional eating, and comfort eating and told to chose the first thought that came into my head. So 'comfort eating' it was.
We did timeline again and at first this time I couldn't see a clear image but within seconds I knew what it went back to.
There was young Jackie aged 10-11 upstairs in her bedroom dreadfully upset as Mum and Dad were downstairs screaming their heads off at each other yet again. They used to argue alot in the years before they split and omg did they yell. I hated it. I was sitting hugging my knees wanting it all to stop. This was apparently the day I began comfort eating. This is why I turn to food for comfort. I may also have an emotional attachment to food etc etc this is just one little thing that escalated into turning to junk to comfort myself as I had no control over the situation and didnt like it. I can clearly remembering stuffing my face with crisps, choccie biscuits on a regular basis at that sort of age. So my subconscious has had 30 years to ingrain this and match this scenaro to many occassions. We discussed what could I tell young Jackie. How could I help her through this with my knowledge now, how could we tell her its not her fault, nothing she could have done or said to change anything. It all boiled down to not being in control of situations. I have to feel in control. Not be bossy not be nasty, just 'feel in control' does that make sense? This is going to be waffly I think as I am struggling to remember it all and the 1.5 hours flew by so I know it was good lol. I could then see young Jackie. I'd told her it wasn't her fault, some people just don't get on, she couldnt have changed anything and I lifted the weight off her shoulders. I could see me very clearly what I looked like, what my hair was like, it was strange. As I lifted the weight off her shoulders I saw myself running through very long grass, wadding through using my hands to part it, it was a long way but when I came out the other side I ran around happy, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders it was very visual.
We then went back a couple of years to see if we hit the right spot. How was jackie aged 8ish? Oh she was fine, all smiles, happy go lucky and smiley.
So we did some more work on Jackie aged 10 which was fascinating but I have a block sort of. At some point I was asked how Jackie aged ten felt. I replied 'useless', 'worthless' 'no good' 'rubbish' why?? Because someone told me so hmmmmm where did I feel it.? in my heart on a number of 1-10 how useless was Jackie with 1 being the most uselss, rubbish etc '1' I replied. What colour is it 'pink'.... I had tears rolling down my face at this point. I had no confidence, I felt I truely was useless, worthless, hated me. So we did some work on this. What could we do to the pink to make it 10 rather than 1. Make it bright pink I love cerise pink. So she talked about all sorts and this pink got brighter and brighter. She then said I want young Jackie to forgive the person who said this to her. Say she forgives them. I found this very hard but after what felt like forever. I saw young Jackie go up and hug this person. Cerise pink was now number 10 . Did this person like that fact Jackie forgave her? yes they did. They actually smiled and picked me up and gave me a big hug. They cuddled and hugged Jackie age 10 so if we come back up the road to the now, what is relationship with this person like? Lovely I said they smile at me and they like me for being me. love me for who i am. I am no longer useless I have a purpose, I am worth it. How does Jackie feel now? very happy and very smiley and feels so good about herself. How could Jackie have coped back then? for some reason 'reiki' was the answer use the reiki to comfort herself rather than turn to food. Then I saw the vision I saw as a little girl age 10. A beautiful blue angel sat on the end of my bed. She handed me a bright pink ball of positive energy weird but I did see a beautiful angel sat on my bed aged 10. I assumed it was a dream.
We came back to the now and went ahead to see if it had worked and it had. She tested me with questions etc and the feeling had gone
How does Jackie feel now? Okay, but theres something else more bridges to mend. This colour was green. It was all to do with Jackie having faith in Jackie. Jackie accepting herself. Jackie loving Jackie. This was at number 6. So we worked on this. We worked it up to a lovely rich green number 10. I will now see Jackie is worth it, shes important, shes useful and other peoples issues are just that, their issues, their insecurities, their problems and they can remain that way. New Jackie can see that New Jackie can see these are things out of her control that neednt bother her anymore.
In fact I can't remember it all clearly today. So some of the above could be jumbled up
I sense some of it is and that I've missed out a big chunk.. At the moment I can't remember it. There was a lot of work with a blue colour and the green colour, and tonnes on the pink, but the above is all I remember at the moment. This is my account of my memories of what we did and what I felt and saw but its not 100% accurate as there are huge chunks I simply cannot remember.so I am going back in about a couple of weeks for a follow up.
I need to learn to love Jackie as much as others do. To see that others genuinally like/love me for who I am and to accept it. To accept that some may not and that too is fine but their issues and insecurities are theirs and not mine and something I can do nothing about and to stop trying to and see it for what it is.
I learnt that Jackie is worth it. Shes a lovely person who cares so much but carried a very heavy weight around for many years because she believed she was useless, worthless and stupid, but actually she was far from it, she just could not see it .
I have to make a wish list of things I would love to do now that old Jackie has gone, shes been sorted and shes fine where would I like to go, who would I like to meet, what would I like to do? Gradually add to it as I think of things and tick them off as I do them.
I was asked if I knew any affirmations. How apt is it that this is the one I know
I love and approve of myself
and do you know what?? today I do
It comes from Louise Hay's book. So I am off to find Louise Hay's book to reread
oh and we looked forward. Jackie was slim, fit, healthy, happy and smiley and enjoying life to the full
I could really see me slim :) very visual :) and very happy and smilie :)I drove to Waitrose yesterday in the pouring rain. In the past I wouldn't have gone. Also it felt 'normal' to drive, rather than an effort or have to think out each step of the journey. I just got into the car and drove. My little girl and I had coffee and cake in the cafe first and I have to leave alot of my coffee and over half of my cake as I had simply had enough :) Leave cake and coffee I paid for! Unheard of! .........
I am still listening to my pods. I love them. They are quite simply life changing. They gave me the confidence to do this :)
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