Wow what an emotional day

So today I had an appointment with a local Quest Cognitive Hypnotherapist.  I've suffered for 25 years with IBS anchoring back to a holiday in Tunisia age 19/20 I became very ill with food poisoning and bad tummys and travel linked for the next 25 years.

I also lack confidence driving. I can drive but I hate slip roads and I hate dual carriageways and that escalated into hating driving full stop unless it was in Rushden lol.

So I am going to share my diary entry for today with you to save me typing it all out again. Its been a terribly emotional day for me today and my mind is whizzing and whurring as it processes all we worked on :)


is my first reaction to today seriously the mind is amazing

So I've had a pretty rough week as some of you will know. I've had awful diarhorrea, and pretty sure its been the lead up to todays appointment, ie my mind trying to protect me and stop me going.

The weirdest bit is that some of the anxiety work  already done really really worked. So although my tummy was awful I was calm its the most odd feeling indeedy. No palpitations, no panic attack, no knot of anxiety, no feeling sick.

I slept fairly well too.

So I dosed up with immodium as my safety net and waited for my taxi. £19 it cost me but needs must I needed a direct route to the door for this trip.

So I arrive and Lori was fab. Such a lovely lady and started nattering straight away. She has a lovely lodge thingy in the garden, it was a beautiful sunny day too

So we discussed it all and we started. We did another timeline. and yep back to Tunisia but what was odd is it took me back to the exact day I got ill. I was stood in the lift in the hotel. I could see what I wearing, what I looked like, What Gary was wearing what he looked like clear as a photograph. So we did some work. Its hard to explain but you discuss how the younger you would feel and what you could have done, and felt, then because shes a reiki master and so am I we both sent healing back to young me. Odd I know but very powerful. I could see such a rich purple colour. When I used to do lots of reiki purple was my healing colour. She asked what I could tell young Jackie to make her feel better, how did young Jackie feel, where did she feel it etc etc. Then we move forward towards the now in my mind and on the way back you visulise events that could have been different had I not got IBS. Then open eyes. Then we talk and then she asks me to go back to an event that could have been different and how do I feel its so odd but exciting, as I felt fine, and I went... I nipped back to prior to being married and we were going to Gary's cousins wedding. Outfit was hanging up, I was going. Its was a slim grey suit with a cerise pink top hanging there ready to wear. But I didn't go because of my tummy. Now if any of you asked me yesterday about this I couldn't have remembered it. But I saw the suit, the top, the shoes, the bag (all matching ) and me a mess, I couldn't go and I didn't go. But when we nipped back I would have gone

Oh and then she said to go to the future and see if its worked. I visualised our family boarding a plane to Spain. OMG! Anyone that knows me knows this is enormous... I've not been abroad since Tunisia!!  Also I was apparently wearing size 12 jeans hehehehehehehe (so I know its not this year then!!!)

The weirdest bit was I didn't feel under at all. It was like we delved into a library full of books and each book was a memory its odd. At times I couldn't think of anything but she'd just ask something else and suddenly this image would appear just as if I'd taken it off the shelf

So She said we had more time and why not find out what caused me to not be confident driving. So she asked why I didn't like driving, Mainly going past slip roads, ie other cars joining the road, going down slip roads, overtaking, driving on dual carriageway which then escalated to having no confidence to driving out of my confidence zone. So She asked what even started this off. So I chirp up Gary being a passenger seat driver moaning at me and telling me what to do. I remember that day many years ago you see and I pulled over and told him to bleddy drive then and never drove with him again... so there I was certain this was my 'anchor'

So off we go down my timeline road, again. and I'm patiently waiting for this image of that day to pop into my head and beggar me it doesn't Suddenly this image of me and my Dad driving on the motorway to see my lovely Nanna and Grandad in Bristol hits me, like a slap in the face. I can see me sitting there heavily pregnant with Matt. I'm wearing a Mothercare summer drop waisted maternity dress in blue and white thin pin stripe, with my lovely Dad beside me . We come this roundabout where we continue round in the left hand lane and it joins a dual carriageway. On the right is a massive lorry. In the right hand lane that as he wants to come round the roundabout needs to move into ours. Do you know those ones I mean, you don't stop you stay and go round to the left, and then they merge. This lorry came at us as we were not in his line of view and nearly had us off the road at speed. My Dad pulled back and it missed us by an inch. It was awful and I remember it now. We were both so shaken with what might have been especially with me so heavily pregnant. She then asked me to describe how we felt, what my Dad said, and to discuss with young Jackie and Dad what could have been done different, how I felt etc, How Dad felt and it was so real. I was sat there and my lovely Dad was sat there and I cried abit. So we did similar and came back towards the now with me thinking of things I could have done that I didn't. Eyes open. Then again we delved back to a time to check if it had worked and there was me driving happily on a day I refused to and yep that day was the one where Gary was passenger driver We also discussed what colour was safe. It was yellow. we did the scale of 1-10 how safe I felt now and I said 10.

We discussed how I felt about me. Did I have faith in me. How confident was I How did I feel. I said useless. etc etc. She asked where I felt these feelings and I said in my heart. What colour was it? Red. on a scale of 1-10 today how do I feel about me? I said 5. So she talked about how to get to 10, what can we change and I said to make the red heart bigger and brighter, so we did that. Then she asked how I felt and I said 'fab' . She said in what way and I replied 'happy, smilie and confident' This bit was really Did I have faith in me? Yes I replied. What can you do now Jackie? 'Anything I put my mind to' was my reply

This was a very emotional appointment for me. Very emotional indeedy.

When I left she's given me tasks

1) To do reiki each day and use it again
2) To drink more water to help my tummy heal
3) to go out in the car alone for short journeys to see how I feel and build up my confidence
4) to listen to the download she'll send me tomorrow daily
5) to go back at 10am next friday

It was so sunny when I left. She asked how I was getting home. I told her I thought I would wander down the lane into the town and see about a bus I did this too. Its a 20 min walk into a town I've never been too. I found a bus stop but decided I was on the wrong side of the road. So I went into the library. They couldn't help but gave me a bus timetable. So out I came and wandered up and down the high street. Spotted another bus stop on the other side of the road but there were a group of men there and I didn't fancy asking them as felt uncomfortable so I went into the newsagents got a magazine and asked two ladies in there. They confirmed I was right and we nattered for 5 mins and off I set again. Yep Jackie a) went into the library to ask b) asked and nattered to two strangers for 5 mins. I get to the bus stop and a lady was also there, so I checked with her, and she too was travelling to Rushden. we stood and nattered waiting for the bus she then explained where it would stop on Friday when I come back etc so that I knew. So next friday I am busing there and back and will walk the 20 mins to and from her house

So its been quite a day for me.

Now the weirdest thing was not once, did I ask her to help with my weight this proves its no longer forefront in my mind. I had the opportunity to get to the root of my weight but I didn't.... how odd is that I set out on the journey primarily to lose weight, but over the months what I wanted from the journey changed. I wanted to be healthier, happier, more confident and live longer. I think I am getting there don't you??

I also believe that as new Jackie has more faith in herself. More confidence. A higher self esteem the weight will melt off because there will no longer be anything holding me back thats my theory anyway so all I can do now is take life one day at a time and see what happens