update

So I set myself two mini goals

1) To do my ttapp each day

2) To consider what I am eating


I have done my ttapp 5 times each week.  I have decided this is achievable for me and I am happy with that. At first I found it such a struggle to make myself do it but now I find myself getting up and on with it as I know I'll feel so much better.

My shape is starting to change. No weight no measurement so cannot be exact but I bought some jeggings before I went away and they feel so much better today, my ankles are thinner and the top I am wearing is loose rather than tight round the tummy so something is happening

Goal 2- I have eaten alot better but the first week I realised my portions are huge again. So I changed the to goal to 'consider what I am eating and listen for the full signal'  I have found this works better for me. I have still served up too much but I am leaving food again so this is all good.

I have craved humous, cucumber and carrot sticks with my lunch rather than crisps too.

I am feeling calmer, slimmer, happier and more confident again so I pod on :)

I'm back!

Had a lovely week at Centerparcs and been back a week today

I enjoyed a little cycle, went swimming lots of times, walking more and generally relaxing and reading other than that

I read 'The Slight Edge' while away and about to reread it as loved it and feel its very inline with slimpods.

I am back to doing TTapp and walking as my exercise. I am a firm believer we must do what works for us not what someone suggests we do. I kept going off the ttapp and trying other things as others insisted i'd do better.. Did I?? No because the other things weren't me :( I hated them so I wasn't ever going to commit was I?

Ttapp improves my posture, helps my back, will help my knees once been doing it longer again, and simply melts the inches

This time I've chosen not to weigh. Not to measure but simply keep going as this is long term and my aim is to be a size 12/14 by beginning of March next year. I am currently a good size 18/20 so lets see what happens.

I chose not to measure as well as not to weigh as whichever I used to chose became an obsession so instead I just keep checking in the mirror to see if I awoke a size 12 hehehehehehhehe Always some way to check eh?

I have chosen ttapp basic workout plus as its around 16 mins everday for 10 days then every other day until I get to a comfortable size then just 2-3 times a week.  If I can't do one tomorrow I won't beat myself up I will simply do one sunday and keep going as some days are harder than others. I have completed my first 5 days today and I'm so proud of myself as each morning i've not felt like it but have to own up I feel a million times better each day for doing it :) am I a size 12 yet? Nope but I can see wee changes already and my holiday bloating is changing shape already :)

Centerparcs for hubby's 50th 2014

Well I am here.

Last time I was here

I didn't swim
I didn't cycle
I hardly walked
I went to the parc market and bought secret chocolate,crisps etc and ate them while the others were out swimming cycling etc
I didn't sleep
I was anxious all the way here and the whole time
Lived on immodium due to terrible IBS

this year

I've been swimming every day so far
I've been cycling most days and even suggested my daughter and I go cycling today alone and we did !
I have walked everywhere, not saying i'm at my fittest as I'm not but I am happy trying
No anxiety on the way here, we even stopped for a coffee used to be a big no no as I was just so tense the whole journey to every holiday we've ever had
No secret buying or eating. I've even left food at most meals and eaten what I fancied but known when to stop
My kids have kept me awake until 2-3am so far but I have managed to get to sleep afterwards
I am more smiley
I am calmer
I am enjoying my holiday more

When I packed I found my old store of immodium that I never ever take now :) What a massive list of positives already and still four days left!

One week until Centerparcs!

I am so looking forward to this holiday as so need it.

Things I love in the lead up

I plan to go swimming. I even have two size 18 swimming costumes (eek!) Not one to shove in the case and never use, but two i love and plan to use!!! Huge huge step forward.

I plan to go cycling.  I never take my bike. I usually get out the Jackie book of excuses and use one or two. This year hubby commented about ie me not taking my bike and not going swimming and was shocked that I planned to. :) hehehehehehe

Goal - I am still working on it. I want to achieve it but had a set back. In the lead up I've been having sleeping problems and panicky feelings at night which in turn left me tired, grumpy and struggling. All things that seem to ensure I make bad food choices as feel so zombieish.  The good news is that has now been dealt with :)  I had a problem with sleeping/travelling that went back to aged 18 (OMG!!) it was a total shock as not at all what I expected it to be but its gone!!  I went to Greece aged 18 and the whole thing was abit of a shock to me. So basic, so hot, no key to our room, all sorts, so I struggled to sleep and clock watched. I had totally forgotten this as it was a few years ago hehehehe. Then next holiday was Tunisia and that had its own set of problems and the two together seem to have built up so that going on holiday/travelling/sleeping are all this huge mess.  Its gone!! woohoo!  had two fab nights sleep and I'm feeling so much more relaxed and ready to face the world again.

I even got up early today because I wanted to and its the school holidays so I didn't have to. I'm back to my TTapp basic work out plus. I usually chose step away the inches if I'm honest as its simple and easy but I have chosen the other one!! This is so unlike me but I know it works. It produces longer leaner muscle (yes I will have some muscle rather than all the flab)! and its just 15 mins a day.  Its not easy to master but this time I've picked up happily where I left off and can do 90% of it.  It seems to give my body strength, help my knees and my back pain so really its a good 15 mins spent so I plan to stick to it this time as I was getting lower back trouble and neck trouble again and already I am seeing huge improvements.

So Centerparcs here I come!

size 18 here I come again

I've spent alot of time working on my head.  I gained more than I thought but I've never given up.  I am back to Ttapp as that is what works for me.  I can fit it in, I like it and it melts the inches in just 20 mins a day or less, so that suits me best and walking when I can . I plan to up the walking too.

I have noticed the wee gremlins jumping in trying to ruin it for me as my shape changes. Partly because as I get my waist back and my tummy starts to go down I get this spare shelf around my hips which I hate. I go from all rounded like a telly tubby to lumpy for a while and this is the point I often give in as in my eyes this look is worse than the all rounded one hehehehehe as is between sizes. So that is where I am today, but today I chose to wear a dress (eek!) I do not do dresses. To me I could only ever wear a dress when slim and I've stuck to that for more years that I can count, but today despite the extra shelf and still being and 18/20 I am wearing a dress !!

On Saturday I wore cycle shorts.  Biggie?  Yes it is as I truly believe this is one mammoth step forward for me mentally. Going out in public in something my mind always told me I couldn't do until slim is accepting lifes hurdles and allowing them to be a part of my journey. Its like my mind has finally accepted that it is now inevitable I will be slim.!  To me thats a huge biggie so I am grinning.

So the shelf... I have 2 weeks and one day until Centerparcs, so rather than give in and accept I am this size, I chose to pop it up a notch with the exercise today and do the Basic Workout Plus. Now I've not done this for over a year probably nearer two years but I KNOW it works omg I know it works .  Its only 20 mins but omg I sweat lol and 2 years a go when I bought it I could not do 5 mins. I had to build it up section by section over several weeks until I could finally do the whole workout... today I popped it in the dvd player and did the full workout. I knew about it but I had the stamina and the health to do it in one go :) I am so so proud of myself.  I cannot tell you how good it feels so now I need to fit this in once a day until my holiday :) I CAN DO THIS.

I feel I've climbed a huge mountain lately. I've had days where its easier to hit the crisps and chocolate and then I've found myself thinking 'what was that all about'  I could see what I was doing and rather than give into the gremlins I've squished them each time. As with all gremlins the more I squished the more they came back and i've had quite a rollercoaster of a fortnight but I do feel they are going now and that will help my tummy go down more as crisps and bread bloat me and my stomach was alot flatter prior to the gremlin fortnight. This time I've fought them and won. I've accepted them as hurdles I must jump over rather than walk around.  This time I'm going for goal  :)  Its a very empowering feeling. Old Jackie would never have upped the exercise a notch to deal with 'the shelf' she'd have given into the gremlins as it was easier. I won't give into them as I've reached a time in my journey where I must deal with them and accept its a part of years and years of what I did just trying to squeeze back into my life. Its my choice if I let them isn't it? It's down to me?  Well I've chosen not to let them this time.

So here is todays piccie. Not a pretty sight but I'm a work in progress and I'm wearing a fitted dress despite not liking my figure or the 'shelf' that always appears as I begin to exercise.  But then look at the last photo.... THE REAL SMILE :) because I KNOW I CAN DO IT :)

The moral of this story is acceptance and never giving in, for me acceptance has been the harder one.

its nearly Easter Again!

Yet another long gap between blogs I am sorry.  I've been sorting my head out with the lovely Sandra. We finally got to the bottom of it.  My turning to food for everything went right back to when I was a very little girl.  Its been quite an experience but finally we have got to the bottom of what was going on in my head.

Food was comfort. Not fuel. Not something I ate because hungry it made me feel better. So food has played an enormous part in my life for over 40 years!!

So suddenly all that had gone (eek!) It felt like someone had emptied my head and zapppp! thats it... it was the most weird feeling I've ever experienced. I celebrated with some chocolate biscuits, but as I was eating them it was like 'What's this all about I'm not hungry'! oooooerrr - going to the biscuits was simply a knee jerk reaction.

I've spent years with food as my best friend. Suddenly its like I'm Jackie no mates. Food isn't my friend. Its fuel.  The last few days have been an eye opener. Often not hungry until lunch. Opening the fridge making something healthy, leaving some on my plate and the same at tea time.  I've not had 100% healthy at every meal but I am eating a lot lot less. The pull just isn't there. Its just food.

In this past week or so the difference has been astounding. No chocolate. No biscuits. No crisps. That 'feeling' has gone.

Easter - whats the big deal. A couple of things really. In the past I'd be depressed in the lead up to Easter in quite a big way. My Dad died just after Easter 9 years ago this year. Very suddenly. Out like a light. He had just turned 60 :( My world fell apart and my eating and feelings just spiralled out of control. It was an awful time.

Food made me feel better. Food gave me comfort. Food gave me the love I wanted.

So normally from March till just after 16th April (anniversary of his passing) I'd eat rubbish constantly as it made me feel better. Or I believed it did.

I used to buy Cadbury Easter Eggs because 'they were on offer' ready for Easter. I'd then eat one or two a day, hide the evidence in drawers, jiffy bags, tucked under shelves, to dispose of when everyone was at work or school.  I'd then replace the Easter eggs. I would get through loads and nobody ever knew what I did. I'd do the same with chocolate and crisps. Hiding the evidence in my work drawers as work at home, sellotaping chocolate wrappers up in envelopes so nobody could see what was in them and bin them :( Awful.

I bought my Easter Eggs today and we are right into April.  I took them all and hid them in my wardrobe for the Easter Bunny. Charlie is 10 and believes there is an Easter bunny and reminded me he will be bringing her eggs and presents soon ! eek! realisation easter bunny has no eggs yet! So I did a quick Asda shop and they came today. Do remind me he also needs a present or two :) I'll forget you see.

My wardrobe is full of cadburys. I'm not tempted.  Its like someone has flicked this switch. I am free. Free from the food demons I've fought for 40 years.

Just under two weeks ago I found a  pair of old work trousers I used to wear. Size 18. I decided that would be my next goal.  No ' I will be a size 18' by a date. I am just going to find one item at a time, when I can wear it, goal reached.  When I can wear it find the next one.  So I tried them on about 10 days ago. OMG couldn't pull them up my thighs, only a bit.  Yesterday they fell out my wardrobe so thought I'd try again. I can pull them up but a few inches of belly needs to go before I can do them up but massive difference in 10 days! I am really quite excited now.

The pair of jeans I got back into a few weeks ago are now baggier, quite lose in places.

My eating has totally changed. I just eat what I fancy which is often extremely healthy foods, not always, and stop when full. Others sit and eat cake, biccies choccies and if not hungry it has no pull anymore. Its like a new world to me. I am finally letting the Slimpods do their job as there is no longer an emotional attachment to food. At first it felt like I'd lost my best friend as I didn't know what to do with myself :( I felt quite lost but now it feels absolutely blooming amazing and I am so excited what the rest of the year holds for me :)

Podding on and changes are happening

Its been up and down lately BUT I am noticing lots of changes that are really amazing. I have had like little head fights, where I'm thinking mmmm fancy crisps, voice in my head 'you don't need them' me, mute that voice, eat them. Its been quite comical looking back as a high percentage of the time I've listened to the voice and moved on. Occassionally I've muted it and eaten ie the crisps but realised afterwards a) why I ate them b) I didn't enjoy or taste them. Interesting.

All my life I've turned to food for everything. But main one to 'make me feel better'. Of course, this can mean stress, upset, ill, anger all sorts of things, so life really did revolve around food.

I have been eating better without really thinking about it 'most' of the time. I'm not snacking like I was, and yesterday was an interesting day.

I felt stressed, migrainy and tearful. BUT not once did I turn to food. In fact I even mentioned I'd looked at the box of creme eggs i'd bought puposely to eat and hide the evidence (yesterday in a small shop) and said 'they won't make me feel better' I then proceeded to put them on the kitchen top for the family to eat :eek!!!: Yes I put them out. Knowing that meant if I had one, two, three etc everyone would know. They are still sat there under my nose and they are not calling me. I was even offered one last night when they all had one and I asked for a yoghurt!

I also noticed when hormonal last week all I wanted was chocolate. Each time I had it its all I craved each day. What I'm trying to say is when I eat rubbish all I do is crave more rubbish when I don't keep eating it I can take or leave it happily!

These are all big changes for me :)

I've been doing MUTU core 1 each day when I can. I know it should be every day but I am doing what I can manage to fit it and enjoying which to me is more important.

I have also take princess barky knickers one two one hour walks this week. We were both shattered after each but think its fair to say we both enjoyed it and will be doing this regularly again.

My stomach is already going down and I'm generally beginning to feel better again and have more energy.

Today I wasn't hungry until just now. I found myself making a side salad (unreal!) a sweet potato as a jacket potato, a teeny piece of brie and some grapes.!  Jacket potatoes were always white ones with butter and loads of grated cheese and quiche. I mean thats a treat. I thoroughly enjoyed my lunch and didn't feel I was missing anything as its what I fancied.

I have a main goal of wearing my size 16 John Lewis knitted dress end in April to a wedding evening reception. That might be pushing it if I'm honest but hey a girl has to set her sights high doesn't she!! Watch this space. Can I do it ?? I'll certainly try my best x

edited to add, changes continue :) I feel I have more energy, I feel happier. Tonight I am making spaghetti bolognese which I love.  Apparently I fancy tonnes of roasted veggies with a little cous cous??? Where has Jackie gone?? I mean stand a peel loads of veg?? choose it over a favourite meal???