Disappointment - Failure

Dawn's post this morning made me really think. As ever she's right :)

Yesterday I was tearful. I felt a fat failure. Why? This time last year I was a size 26 roughly and his year I am a size 18. Why did I feel such a failure? What happened?

**adding this bit *** after rereading what I wrote. I messaged Dawn last night. She helped immediately. She changed how I thought about it all in one facebook conversation. I can't thank her enough. I sat there messaging Dawn with tears streaming down my face, I ended the message with a big grin on my face. Dawn you are a fab listener and will have an fantastic cognitive hypnotherapy business as you really are fab at it.  You are such a lovely friend. You never judge, you always jump in and help and I for one can't thank you enough for it and I'm so glad we 'met' x ******

Well back in January I set goals. My goal was to be in a size 14 Joe Browns dress today for my 25th Wedding Anniversary.  I didn't reach my goal so in my head I was a disappointment, I was a failure.. But why?  I've achieved so much this year. I've changed so much. Yes theres more to do and more inches to lose but that does not make me a failure.

I was so tearful yesterday, felt very down, let it really get to me. Crazy really isn't it? I set those goals so I'm not letting anyone else down am I? I chose them and I moved them but as today got nearer and nearer I couldn't handle the feelings of failure.

This morning I feel alot better. My hubby bought me a present I love for the first time in many years. He chose it himself and I love it and its an item of clothing. A John Lewis knitted dress. As I opened it my heart sank. He'd bought me a size 16. That failure feeling crept in again,I felt disappointed. But I tried it on and it fits! I was astounded and it didn't look too bad. I'd like to lose a few more inches to feel comfortable wearing it but it does fit and many would wear it that way. It looks fine. So my next goal is to wear it comfortably for Christmas Day :)

I came straight back from taking Charlie to school in the pouring rain, put on my exercise gear and did my TTapp basic workout which I can nearly do now :) I am loving it. A 15 min workout, no high impact yet works every muscle. Its perfect for me. And of course, the hoe downs :)

Its the first exercise other than walking I've managed to stick to in my whole life. This time last year exercise was a swear word. I was allergic to it! or so I said. I hated it. This year I love it. Okay only the exercises I enjoy but to me this is what its all about. Trevor says 'anything more than nothing' and thats just it its finding an exercise we enjoy doing and want to do, be it walking, TTapp, running, swimming, we are all individual. TTapp works for me. I enjoy it. I feel full of energy when I've finished that workout and have more energy for the rest of the day and I achieve good inch loss in a 15 min workout :) What more can I ask?

Just over a year ago we lost my lovely Father in Law so we've just had the year anniversary. Its been quite a tough year as a family coming to terms with our loss and hes very much missed. He was such a big part of our lives. The kids (even the older two) let off lovely shiny star shaped balloons with a message tied to the bottom of each from each of them and we had a few mins 'think' time. It was lovely. He was lovely and we all miss him so much. It also made me think of my Dad too who I still miss greatly.

My real goal was to be fit and healthy and live a longer life, a life my Dad didn't have as he died suddenly aged just 60. He was not healthy, he was not fit, so I set out to show him that I would learn from his mistakes and make him proud of me.  I think I probably have already as I've made a lot of changes this year and I am fitter, I am healthier and I am sure my new life style is setting me up to live longer too. I know I am happier. I know I still need to learn to love me. I thought I had but yesterday showed me I hadn't ... but that will come, in the mean time I am sure I'm not the easiest person to live with as I don't take compliments well and in my head if I don't love or like me how can others? Thats just how I feel but I am working on it and I've seen the changes a year can have so this time next year should be interesting :) I am sure by my 26th Wedding anniversary I will be that size 14 :)

So as Trevor says - there is no failure only feedback. Nothing needs to be easy just possible :) as Dawn says 'nothing needs to be the way its always been' :)

I love those quotes. I live by them, or try to.

Last night I was stressed too, someone went into the back of a car, who in turn went into the back of our car :( No mega damage done but Chris was in the car with his broken leg. The jolt sent a massive pain down his leg and it throbbed for ages. He nearly passed out with the pain. This has worried me as he insisted hes fine and I feel he should have gone to the hospital to have it xrayed and checked. Hes due to have his long cast off next Tuesday. I so hope this little accident hasn't undone any of the healing and his leg is okay today. He can't wait to get into a shorter cast and will be gutted if its done any damage :( so wish they'd just had it looked at for peace of mind, but thats men eh! All will be fine! No need to worry! I do the worrying for them!

I sat and ate a small box of chocolates yesterday - because i'd failed. Funny how that little diet head pops in isn't it?  Failure = eat = console oneself.  Yet I haven't failed, I just took the scenic route and dealt with many issues in my life as I felt fit to change them. I've learnt from mistakes. I've got confidence for the first time in years. I am way calmer than I've ever been. I am slimmer, I am happier, but I have a fair way to go on my journey. The choccies were nice and I didn't share them (another old habit) but its done now, I could see what was going on in my head and I'm moving on because

TODAY IS A BRIGHT NEW SUN SHINY DAY :)